Have you ever noticed that when you’re in the middle of a tough situations you find yourself doing what you’ve got to do to get through it? I know I have.
At those times I develop tunnel vision, pull up my big boy pants and put on a determined attitude. I often use the phrase “You gotta do what you gotta do” during those times.
It’s after getting through them, that I begin reflecting on the lessons I learned. One such time was when I was in the midst of some pressing legal matters. In the middle of all the turmoil, my lawyer asked “Did you get a contract?‘
Getting a contract during that time when I was under so much stress was the last thing on my mind. Although it wasn’t a priority for me at the time, getting a contract has some magic to it.
There’s something about putting an agreement down on paper that gives it power. The power of the contract becomes more important than any verbal commitment or promise. Seeing something in writing makes it more powerful and more real.
At that time, I was needing the help and cooperation of many people. I mistakenly thought that obtaining the verbal agreements and arrangements was good enough.
When the going got tough, I discovered how few of those verbal agreements were honored. Lawyers know ways of trapping you in contracts along with ways of slithering out of them.
Before my situation cleared up, it became clear that a contract would have helped matters a great deal. For whatever reason, contracts matter a great deal. The written word at times is more powerful that verbal promises.
Having learned the power and magic of contracts the hard way, I’ve since made it a point of having contracts for important decisions. The magic of contracts has not always come through, yet they come through more times than not.
This is one reason why I emphasize the role of contracts as part of your ‘Affair Relapse Prevention Plan’. If your plan is only a verbal agreement, the odds are already against you. You trusted in promises before and you know where that got you.
In the video “Preventing Affair Relapse” , I give you solid, proven tools that have helped others like you who are facing the risk of another affair. There are things that can be done that reduce the risk of an affair. Obtaining written contracts are one part of a solid Affair Relapse Prevention Plan.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
So how do you define contract? Post nuptial agreements?
David,
Good hearing from you. Your question is also a good one. In my mind a relapse prevention contract is a written and signed agreement laying out the specifics of what the cheater is responsible for, and how they will handle high risk situations and urges. You can get more specific if you want. I see this as a start.
In an email where I addressed this issue the other day, I covered some other points:
“The contract should spell out what is expected of them. In having it written out, it gives the both of you a reference point.
The contract also makes any agreement more ‘impersonal’. What I mean by that is that disagreements are between the cheater and the contract more than you versus him. When you approach it this way, it takes a lot of the personal attacks and defensiveness out of things.
The contract also gives you documentation of trying to work things out in the even things go south and end up in court. A signed contract is hard to deny. In other words, it does give you some protection.
The second question “why would they keep a new contract?”. If they and you believe that they have made changes and that they are a ‘new’ person, the contract serves as a renewal. It becomes a statement of the claims that they’ve made changes.
In terms of ‘keeping it’, a lot depends on whether or not you have any kind of enforcement or agreement for them to keep it as part of the contract. It’s hoped that you never have to use the enforcement, yet those enforcement items lets them know that you are serious.
If there are no enforcement clauses or penalties, some people don’t have much motivation to abide by them.
Contracts can also be re-negotiated. The two of you can come back and discuss things. When those discussions concern a contract, it allows for some objectivity in the discussions. The contract also makes it clear what’s expected, rather than it always being at the whim of one party as to what they are supposed to do in recovery.
(example: As part of recovery I agree to call you anytime I work late [20 minutes or longer]. I also agree to allow you to view my cellphone without supervision, and to discuss any financial transaction over $50 BEFORE making the purchase. I will also spent at least 30 minutes with you face to face each day….)
I hope this clears things up.”
Best Regards,
I understand the contract phase. But what could one use as enforcement or mostly a penalty. That’s why I mentioned post nuptial agreements. They are legal and can have real penalties. More personal assists or cheater pays court cost if they repeat the behaviors. If one is dealing with someone who easily broke their marriage vows (covenant) placed their spouse at risk for disease, what can be written in a piece of paper that truly will have an effect on them?
David,
You bring up a good point. Contracts give you a paper trail. They also come in handy if there are divorce proceedings.What you are asking about regarding post-nuptials and penalties is bringing out the BIG guns. There are times and places for such power plays. It’s an option that I would be careful about both in terms of the contract and in terms of the contract and in terms of the attitude behind it.
If you take too parental an approach, they’ll act like a petulant child. If your attitude is punishment of them rather than reconciliation, there could be fallout as well.
On the other hand, given that some of the diseases are matters of life and death, and you are dealing with a potentially life threatening situation, strong intervention is needed in such cases. If the cheater is that out of control, there is a good chance of serious issues going on (could be mental, cognitive, infectious or environmental [heavy metal poisoning type thing] issues at work).
As to what can be written, there are many options. I learn toward the rehabilitation options rather than the punitive ones.
Jeff