Infidelity: Dealing with the lie “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you”

Cheating: I didn’t want to hurt you

One of the more infuriating statements a cheater makes is that they did not tell you about what they did because “I didn’t want to hurt you”. This excuse for not telling, along with many like it only make the situation worse.

The statement is a paradox. It’s a mixed communication. It contains two messages that contradict each other. On one level, it conveys that the cheater cares about you, on another level it conveys that the cheater does not care about you or your feelings.

Such double messages cancel out the other message. Such mixed messages often leave you feeling confused and bewildered. That confused, bewildered response is a common when you are given mixed messages like this.

Mixed messages leave you feeling like you are the one loosing your mind. A mixed message is also referred to as a “crazy-making” message, since they have a confused impact.

It’s like a multiple-choice response where you choose which one you think is best. The problem is, the cheater zings you either way.

In the field of counseling, these are often referred to as “double-bind” statements. Double-binds can be either statements or questions. A double-bind is a statement made on a false assumption.

In this case, the assumption is made that their cheating was more important to them than your feelings. They followed up that assumption with keeping their cheating secret, since telling the truth brings pain to you. You were going to be pained anyway, yet this way, they feel that they are ‘protecting’ you.

By positioning them in the ‘protection’ role, they then do not feel so bad about the cheating. In their mind, they’re doing the right thing by NOT hurting you, even though they already have.

These ‘crazy making’ double-bind statements sound reasonable on one level, which is what they are intended to do. While the reasonable message is presented, the bottom is pulled out from under you.

With such messages, you are left not knowing which one to believe. Mixed message statements are often made by someone who are themselves conflicted.

In responding to such statements, you are placed in a no-win situation. Which ever statement you respond to, you are both right and wrong.

In this case, you are left wondering whether the cheater actually does care about your pain. You are wondering “What is the truth”.

If they cared about your pain, they would not have cheated in the first place. Rather than say no to the cheating, they chose to try to clean it up after wards. They may not want to hurt you, yet their desire for self-indulgence was stronger than their avoidance of hurting you.

You are not going crazy. The statement I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you is a crazy’, illogical statement itself. The statement is illogical. It is a statement driven not by logic, but rather by emotion, and conflicted emotions for that matter

So what does it mean when a cheater lies like this?

Lies like this one indicate that the cheater knew what they were doing. They knew that it was wrong.

They knew that their cheating would hurt you. Even though they knew it would hurt you, they did it anyway. One writer observed that liars are “hostis humani generis” (Latin for the enemy of mankind), and went on to claim that lying leads to savagery.

The really concerning truth is that about 10% of all marital communication is distortions and lies.

When I first read that, I thought that he was over-reacting and over the top. As I considered what he wrote, I realized he was right, especially in situations where the cheater lies with a blatant lie such as “I didn’t tell you, because I did not want to hurt you” to cover their cheating.

The cheater gave way to their instincts. They considered their immediate gratification rather than how it would impact their spouse. When a person gives into instincts in such a manner, it is a form of savagery.

Civilized people consider the impact of their actions on others. They recognize that they have to curb their appetites through self-restraint. The savage operates with the mindset of “If it feels good, DO IT!”.

Now that your spouse has given into their instincts and disregarded the impact it has on you, they now want you to believe that they cared about you. Whatever caring was an afterthought. The lie makes their actions go easy on their conscience and leave you feeling confused and like you have had your teeth kicked out.

Such statements also bother us because the mind craves truth. When statements are made that are not fully truthful, our mind reacts to them. Such double-bind statements play games with the truth.

Since they are partly true, the cheater feels better, although when they tell you such statement, you not only feel betrayed, you mind feels betrayed. It is trying to connect the dots which do not connect.
How to deal with double-bind lies like this

When put into a situation where crazy making excuses are used, it is important to expose them. Rather than allow such lies to create turmoil for you, expose the crazy aspect. Approach the person and point out the illogic.

Consider this approach:

Tell them you are confused. Then lay the problem out.

“I am confused. You told me that you did not want to hurt me, but you did something to hurt me. You kept a secret from me, which hurt me, yet claim that you did not want to tell me because it would hurt me. That is only a different kind of hurt.”

Ask them to help you with this.

“Help me make sense of these two contradictory messages. I am torn by the mixed messages. I am hurt. Trading one type of hurt for another is not a solution.”

When the mixed messages are exposed, they may react with a deer in the headlight’ type of reaction at being found out. They had hoped that you would just accept their lie and let them off the hook.

They are often stunned when you do not accept it. In some cases, they will change the topic and express some anger. That anger is more about them being embarrassed at being found out. The potential of angry reactions is one of the possible outcomes to them being exposed.

When you consider the option of either 1) accepting their lie and choosing to believe it or 2) ignoring the matter, which amounts to avoiding it or 3) risk them being upset at being exposed. It is the lesser of the possible outcomes in terms of damage to the relationship.

You can further avoid these situations with statements like:

“I am hurt that you…”

“I would prefer that you…”

“It really hurt when you…”

Such statements either side-step or cancel out the validity of their false assumption. Your goal is to expose the irrationality of the statements. Expose the crazy-making, double-bind and then refuse to play in that game.

Another approach is to turn it into one consistent position: “I am confused. So did you want to hurt me or not hurt me?” “If you did not want to hurt me, you would not have cheated in the first place.”

They may come back with “Don’t you love me?” “Why do you want to hurt me?” or some other variation of double bind statements.

DO NOT respond with double-bind questions yourself like:

-“Why do you want to hurt me?”

-“Why do you have to be so mean?”

-“Can’t you do anything right?”

Responding with such double-bind statement will only serve to intensify the argument and leave both parties feeling misunderstood.

If you want MORE on communication and ways of dealing with crappy messaging from your spouse, my video, “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” will guide you through those communication hurdles.

Best Regards,

Jeff