Have you considered what the purpose of marriage is? If you think that the purpose is to be happy, you have already fallen for a seduction. When you shift what you thinking is about marriage, the process of seduction has begun. You may look the same on the outside but this change in your thinking about marriage has begun setting you or your spouse up for problems.
The slippery slope to seduction begins in the mind. When your thinking about marriage is that you are supposed to always be happy, you have begun the slide down that slope. When you buy the lie that marriage is about ‘happiness’, then when you are unhappy, you begin to think that you need something to make you happy. You need a new person that can make you happy. When you think that a new person can make you happy, you are vulnerable to an affair. Although you may think that the attractive person in the bar is the problem. You would not be vulnerable to their attractiveness or flirting, had you not redefined marriage in terms of happiness. That subtle shift in definition is often what leaves you or your spouse vulnerable to seduction and temptation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
4 Responses
That is so right …and right out of the Bible….
It is the heart that the Bible says …OUT of the HEART come the issues of life…that the heart of fallen man is ‘deceitful above all things …and desparately wicked’ …
That seems hopeless until we see that GOD has provided the way for us to learn what is the real condition of our hearts…our minds….by way of the ‘sword of the spirit’ which is the ‘word of GOD’
IT reveals to those interested in learning and learning how to avoid deceiving themselves or falling into being deceived …what we need to know’
The deceptive impressions we get from books, and media and others is so rampant…we NEED something or someone other than those encased in our present world to divulge to us the truth about what is going on IN us and outside of us.
Since most of us are led to doubt that the Bible is the truth …there is a need to trust that it MAY lead us to understand ……The testimony that GOD makes of his own words is plentiful but many times fallen man is not wanting to FIND out…or does not want to know if what he wants is ‘sin’
The understanding of what sin is is HUGE when we see that it is what GOD has been trying to warn us of it’s deadly destructiveness to US …and to anyone else effected by it .
To be led to have high romantic expectations without the information that a lot of experiencing that kind of life is going to depend upon our own attitudes, values , learning contentment through thankfulness is not on the nightly news or in the usual classroom curriculum …especially not in this day and time
Some idea of helping and giving to others is brought up …but it too is usually steeped in the idea that it is good for SELF ..to do so …with all the ‘self ‘ interests, self ‘esteem’ programs, and ‘self actualization seeming to be the aim of all this ‘giving ‘ ….it is little surprise that there are a lot of people who enter marriage with the ‘what’s in it for ME ” daydreams and little concern about learning how to deal when reality hits…and the fantasy island is all around but at home!
Oh well….I thank you for your great posts …I pray others will access them and take the message abroad….unfortunately I see that many times we do not care about locking the barn door until the cow escapes and we have no milk~…..er ….somehow I don’t know how I used that milk/cow analogy there….no reference to the other ways that has been used….such as “why buy the cow….?” …
Then again if you DON”T ‘buy the cow’ but get your milk for free then as we see many today thinking …why invest in any ONE cow ….and marriage seems to be a distant memory for many disillusioned youth today …
Oh where is the hope of those marriageable young adults in such an age.
I was reading one site that commented that young men are not marrying …or putting it off longer and longer and those young women of their contemporaries are not who they look to if and when they decide it is time to marry ….I think if was over on the BOUNDARIES discussion …there seems to be a ‘marriage gap’ among even those who claim Christ and have remained virtuous.
Sigh.
The truth of what marriage is and what it takes to live in it …is so important ….Jimmy Evans pointed out as you did …the expectations going in …are crucial to be aware of and discussed…and along with learning the ways that real life is going to bring challenges to that dream is important …
Forewarned may help being FOREARMED…..
or the seven ‘p’s of successful living ….
‘Proper prior planning prevents pretty poor performance.”
Or
“It wasn’t raining when Noah began the ark’
Yes, thank you Jeff. I don’t know that my being forewarned would have made a difference. When I look back now I can see lots of signs of his discontent. Early on when he would want me to do something that I thought unnecessary, for instance to cut off an old pair of jeans and make them into shorts, he would say, “some other woman would.”. I can see now that for years I had been being compared to the illusive, imaginary some other woman. So when a woman at work found him charming and needed a male best friend he went down the road of supplying her emotional and time needs (and occasionally physical) at the expense of mine and our family’s. He was trapped for ten years before owning up to the situation. I knew early on about his extra involvement with her and thought it had stopped. They just became more effectively secret about their special relationship. It took another year and a half for the long term entanglement to be broken.
My nervous system is slowly healing. I agree with you and ZaZa that the problem is not just individual but rather a problem in the larger culture. My mom used to say that women’s liberation was actually men’s liberation.
The take away from this is women respecting themselves and expecting the same from the men in their lives. My husband wanted someone to idolize him and found it. They did not need to live with the ordinariness of life. Mine became more difficult without me knowing the reason behind it.
My husband and I are healing our relationship. It’s been a long road. Often I questioned my hanging in there in the marriage. He has always said he did not want a divorce. Step by step, day by day our marriage is improving. However the conventional wisdom out there about the sanctity of marriage leaves so many couples at risk. Like the song says, looking for love in all the wrong places. On the up side, while I have always had a deep and abiding spiritual life, this crisis has shown me that true happiness comes from holding tight to the love of our Divine Beloved. And doing the right thing even when it is not easy.
I believe that is the ongoing lesson for the ages. Again thank you Jeff for keeping a God centered focus on marriage.
Just Me,
Thank you for the encouraging words. It sounds like you are finally connecting the dots concerning events in your life. There are some big cultural problems that we each have to deal with. Sometimes erroneous thinking is brought into our lives by well meaning persons. The current emphasis on materialism and sensuality as being more important than doing what is right has created problems in many marriages.
It is good hearing from you again.
I feel for you Just Me and Shelly and all those who I have had occasion to meet who share this extremely difficult ‘lesson’ ….
I was thinking about how much would be kept in check if people just paid heed to doing what is moral and legal.
But in a culture where ‘situation ethics’ and ‘relativistic ‘ thinking has now become the norm for many …it is simply an uphill battle more and more .
I think that marriage has not been understood as the ‘process ‘ and ‘environment’ that it was meant to be for maturing and growing as well as loving . In fact I am beginning more and more to see how love has little to do with ‘romance’ …yet romance and passion are the ‘fruit’ of living in marriage according to the directions of the creator of it!
What a concept. Following directions in every other part of life is pretty much a ‘no brainer’ ..and every single thing my own husband has accomplished in his life and career took his goal setting , planning , time , effort and desire …including his adultery!
Yet he also demonstrated along with all this solid approach to his career …and his adultery …an aspect of our cultures fantasy form of manhood which was set before men who , lacking personal living made of the way the past eras provided plenty of challenges for courage and bravado ..NOW it is become manufactured and risk taking apart from concern for how MEN in particular are SO important in the dynamic of effecting others …women and children in particular!
Now WHO do you suppose has something to gain by way of the influence of a man turned away from godliness?
I believe that the enemy of the soul is one but also those who desire to gain a population that they have controlled the education and influencing of ….the CHILDREN
The ways a husband and wife have been drawn apart by ‘economic ‘needs’ …as well as the following relational development of companions outside the home …thus has led the community or ‘village’ or the GOVERNMENT in the position to usurp the command of GOD to FATHERS to Train up your children in the way that they should go’…it is my own experiences from concern about my children’s welfare that I taught them at home and from THIS I discovered that CHILDREN are FOR OUR learning ,..!
So many things I would not have known or studied had I not been concerned about influencing and teaching them things that I felt they needed to know to provide and protect themselves in this world .
I believe IF my husband would have stayed faithful to the Lord and become more and more invested in his role as husband and father …been humble enough to seek information and learn more about his roles…HE would have been too busy ..too invested in loving them and caring about how HE and his life effected them …that he would NEVER have gone into adulterous arrangements with women clueless as to THEIR OWN loss in all their ‘freedom’!~
Women who are flattered by any man …and especialy a married man who flirts should be INSULTED ..first because it is an indication that they are viewed as only their outer appearance and maybe what the man can GET …a target to be ‘gotten” through the ‘game’ of flirting .
Second any married man who will take advantage of ‘free ‘; offers is pretty much a weak person …in need of some maturity to see how his ‘flirting ‘ is insulting to any woman …and it is damaging to his wife…and it PROCLAIMS to all the world that he is INSECURE …not exactly a strong male trait …nothing to be flaunted.
Infidelity to MORAL purity is simply a sign of WEAKNESS and INSECURITY as well as an indication that the person is not thinking about what is best for ANYONE …least of all those who are the most vulnerable to his dubious ‘charms’
I have come to realize this AS I was caring about helping my children avoid the mistakes I made from not having realized a lot of this ..our culture feeds such lying junk into our heads …without the contrasting understanding ..not just knowledge of the Word but understanding …people are prey for all kinds of deceptions.
This is a PROCESS to destruction …but GOd’s WORD is the ‘WAY” to process truth into one’s life and practice which makes change and redemption available to WHOMSOEVER>
The problem is that many WILL NOT be taught ..WILL NOT be committed and become bonded in marriage because there are too many ‘joyrides’ out there …until they lose the ‘ticket’ which for many is their appearance and appeal …
Surface beauty is nice…and certainly I believe GOD is wise in saying to a husband ..FOCUS upon your wife…let HER beauty satisfy you at all times…actually he said let her breasts satisfy you ….God designed women to attract men and parts of women are more sexually stimulating than others…
Men have a large task in todays world to avoid seeing what was meant for husband ‘s only …but still a man who will obey God’s directions in HOW to practice love in his marriage FOR HIS WIFE …will be blessed with seeing beauty that no other can …it is a REVEALED beauty …just like the WORD of GOD and the understanding of it is is REVEALED to those who have a HEART PREPARED to RECEIVE It .
That too is part of what GOD will instruct those who have a true desire to know Him and to learn from Him…
I pray that our lives will not just be informed by and through our need to heal …but that what can be gained in part will be understanding that we may offer others ..hopefully younger people BEFORE they make the giant step into sinful situations that lead away from loving and satisfaction and into the depths of a very empty activity.
Hugs