Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Cheaters

A reader wrote asking for help dealing with passive aggressive cheaters.  Dealing with passive aggressive

(PA) cheaters has some challenges.

They interact with you in a confusing and contradictory manner. On the surface they may be cooperating, yet on another level they are resisting, negating and defying you.
It’s as  if they agree to take out the garbage and then flip you off while doing so. It’s one thing if they occasionally resort to some PA behavior with you, it’s quite another when it is a PA personality.
The PA personality means you’re dealing with long-term ingrained behaviors.

Like many ingrained habits, they don’t like letting go of their patterns. For them, it has become so habitual, it’s a way of life. The PA behavior is their way of getting their needs met.

They may have been doing it so long that they no longer view what they do as insincere, manipulative or game playing. For them, it’s likely their routine way of doing things.

Although it’s routine for them, it’s trying for you who live with them.

The PA personality is aggravating due to what you see is NOT what you get. They often know how to appear as cooperative or reasonable on the surface with no intention of following through on those facade appearances.

The reader,”Is there anything that I can do on a daily basis that I can discipline myself to do that will help me to weather the possibility that he may actually carry through with what he says he’s going to do which is to begin to work on his passive/aggressive responses and habits?”

The PA  exaggerates any displays of anger directed at them.  You’ll want to keep that in mind.
With this tendency, it means you’ll need to be careful with insults, threats, etc. Any kind of displeasure, rejection confrontation or rebuff will be taken out of context. It’ll be exaggerated by them.
They’ll view what you say as an attack and respond likewise.  A little rebuke goes a long way.
There’s a tendency for them to nurse the hurt they experienced from your attack, then use it to as motivation and an excuse to be more aggressive.
This pattern of:
exaggeration–> stuffing anger –> aggressive outburst
forms a cycle of passive-aggressive interactions. They may passively listen to you, then start the cycle of their behavior.
Stopping the cycle by showing caution in how you express your disapproval is a place to start breaking this cycle.
Dealing with PA behavior is an example of relationship dynamic issues I cover in the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“. In the workshop, you’ll gain ways of improving communication along with ways of handling those relationship dynamic issues.
Best Regards,
Jeff

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3 Responses

  1. I’ve been married to a PA for 40 years. It’s hell. Professional gaslighted, I’m miserable . He’s miserable, co depending, has no ambityfir anything outside of himself.

    Reply

    1. Anonymous,

      Being in such a situation definitely wears you down. It’s as if it takes the energy out of each of you, not to mention the love. The gaslighting will make you feel like you’re the one with the problem and that you’re going crazy.

      Reply

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