If you’re like most of those struggling through affair recovery, you go through a period of time asking “WHY?” Wanting such explanations is natural.
Growing up in Texas, I recall hearing the old phrase “You got some ‘splainin’ to do” in my head when faced with challenges such as asking ‘why’.
Whenever I ask why, I’m looking for some explanations. At that point, I want some explanation of things or the motivation behind things happening.
Although asking the question is natural, you’ll have to accept that you’ll likely not get an answer for a while.
In my own life, there were times in my twenties and thirties that I asked myself and God “Why?” regarding some of the places and situations I found myself in.
I was counseling with people in places I would have never imagined ever wanting to go to. Although I asked “Why?” at that time, it was only years later, after I was on the other side of those situations when I received the answers to my question.
The events now make sense, although when going through them, they made no sense to me.
WHY am I teaching parenting to homeless families?
Why am I having to deal with street-wise crack addicts?
Why do I have to deal with skanky former porn stars?
Why do I have to go to those undesirable and dangerous parts of Houston to meet with people who do not want to get better?
In a similar way, you may not have a clear answer to your “Why?” until years later and you are on the other side of the affair situation. Then things start making perfect sense.
Edith Schaeffer often used an illustration of how life is like a tapestry. Each event and person are threads in that tapestry. The problem is that we are often on the back side of that tapestry and do not see the whole picture. You may not see the whole picture of your part of the tapestry until you finally reach heaven.
The tapestry story helped me accept some situations I didn’t understand at the time. You may also have to accept what you do not understand. Acceptance and understanding are two separate things that are often confused.
It was only decades later that I started seeing the tapestry of my life. Those episodes that made no sense, I now see as part of an intricate and artistic interweaving.
So when you ask “Why?” assuming that no one is listening or that you have been ‘denied’ an answer, you need to accept that you are not ready for the answer or it is not the right time for it to be revealed. You are not at a place for the ‘reveal’ to happen.
Looking back, if I’d been given the answer to my questions, I wouldn’t have seen the benefit or understood it. In some cases, I wasn’t emotionally ready to handle that answers when I was going through those situations.
I talk more about the dangers of asking ‘why’ and how it interferes with affair recovery in the “Affair Recovery Workshop“. The why question makes recovery take longer and creates crises that can be avoided. It could be that the questions you are asking are making things worse.
The workshop addresses this along with the questions that move your forward with your affair recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
