When cheaters say they ‘had no choice’ or that ‘I couldn’t help it’ you’re being sent a strong message. In such cases, they feel that the option of an affair is better than the alternative.
In thinking through that idea, I considered “What is the alternative to an affair?’
On a very basic level, the alternative to an affair is saying ‘no’ when facing opportunities to cheat. Some people don’t like saying no to themselves.
They don’t like denying themselves any pleasure they encounter. Saying ‘no’ is equated with limits and boundaries, which they strive to demolish.
They don’t want anyone or anything telling them ‘no’. For them, having to exercise self-control takes them WAY out of their comfort zone.
On a more advanced level, the alternative to an affair means staying in your marriage. It means being committed to your marriage relationship.
Some cheaters find the whole idea of having to be committed in a relationship scares them silly. Being committed, means risking vulnerability and letting people get close to you. It also means risking the possibility of failing at relationships.
As twisted as it sounds there are some people terrified of others getting close to them. Intimacy scares them. Being committed means having to get closer along with letting others get closer to them.
For them getting close brings hurt or other uncomfortable feelings. Rather than deal with those feelings they view the option of creating a crisis by means of an affair preferable to allowing anyone to get close to the real them.
In some cases, the cheater prefers the affair to the alternative due to wanting to keep their options open. When you are married, you do not have the option of ‘playing the field’ or acting like someone who is single.
This loss of freedom is seen as an undesirable threat to them. Instead of viewing marriage as a source of security, marriage threatens their freedom.
It means they can’t sleep around with multiple partners. They can no longer ‘love ’em and leave ’em’. Mature love knows that you can find freedom within a committed relationship.
Immature love views marriage as a threat to their freedom. So in situations where ‘keeping their options open’ is a motivating force, you are likely dealing with a lot of immaturity in one form or another.
If your marriage needs a dose of healthy mature love, you’ll want the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program which guides you in strengthening your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff
7 Responses
OH AMEN to all of that ….and then some. I recently heard a man who was commenting on the Michael Brown situation. He was a black man himself and his take on the way people are being encouraged to act out was that it has been a long time wherein authority figures have been resented.
If we take it back to the Garden of Eden I guess that is very much the problem people have with BOUNDARIES.
As I read where Eve’s mental process was going it seems she began to think of God’s command as restrictive rather than protective.
The idea that a man have only one sex partner for life has been joked about …often among young men who are friends of a groom to be. Whether that was how it worked in my husbnad’s mind or not …I know that Alfred Kinsey also contributed to the flow down stream of AMerican morality when he published his supposed scientific book on male sexuality …which as you know turned out to have been based upon his own pedophilia, also that of Hugh Hefner, and a Nazi officer…all of whom kept records of their activities…also his interviews with pedophiles and prisoners and prostitutes …all as the basis for the ‘norms’ of American sexuality![See the video ‘The Kinsey Syndrome…Amazon.com]
The ‘lid’ came off for many men and thus families began to suffer from men thinking they were ‘missing something’ .
The idea that men were ‘entitled ‘ to ‘sow their wild oats’ surely began before that …but all in all it was the counter action of the god of this world that brought more and more permissiveness unchallenged by thos who serve their own flesh.
Who serves their own flesh? People who do not realize they have a better ‘alternative’ ….Christ gave us power to learn how …and why it is better.
Without this though people don’t know they have power to resist and choose life.
When children are taught in their science classes and biology classes that they are ‘animals’ from the taxonomy of the humanist curriculum machine they are also led to believe that they ‘can’t help it ‘ and that they shouldn’t ‘suppress’ their ‘animal urges’!
Any moral restraint is thought to be ‘immoral’ by this type of thinking…I recall from living through the 60’s how topsy turvey this kind of rhetoric was and if one does not know the truth ….then falling for your feelings without restraint finds this a ‘welcome’ encouragement to not live by any rules.
My mom used to say to me ‘ What will people say” and she would quote ‘ they say’ as if some group ‘out there ‘ were qualified to tell others how to live!
This did not compute …especially once I was in college and began to encounter ‘social justice’ and the ‘social gospel’ …..’they’ were no more qualified to tell anyone how to live than anyone else!
SO without the Word of GOD and seeing the great wisdom and authority that God has for our protection and good …we are left adrift …to be blown about by every opinion, feeling and anything that seems right.
The Bible warns that ‘There is a way that seemeth right unto a man but that way is death”
Indeed….our bodies may die if the rapture doesn’t happen before then but our soul is eternal and we need to seek out this God who is offering us Eternal Life which cost Him HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON ….
Now that is someone who has earned the right and paid for it to speak to us about what we ought to do with our lives…and bodies…
All else is useless and fades ….that is one reason people keep trying to find the next exciting ‘fix’ in all kinds of ‘glittering ‘ false things.
It’s simply a delusion. Jesus Christ puts an end to boredom and gives us so much more than people realize who do not know Him…..
Zaza
Alfred Kinsey propagated a massive hoax on the American people. He used a bias sample of an unhealthy population and then presented his information in such a way as to mislead the public on sexual activity. He understood that many Americans want to be seen as ‘normal’ or average. He used this desire to pervert the definition of average. Due to Kinsey, the public began judging their sexual behavior against statistics rather than proven moral standards. The public thought they were just being average, what they did not know is how he manipulated the perception of what is ‘average’.
His massive lie just happen to coincide with the sexual revolution combined with birth control. Each of these forces combined made for a ‘perfect storm’ that overwhelmed many people with the assault on morals and sexual behavior. The bottom line is that the public changed their reference point for determining what is normal or acceptable behavior. It was no longer based on what is right, but instead what is ‘normal’. That is why it is foolish when people follow what ‘seemeth right’. Like a ship on the high seas, they have lost their reference point and no longer know what is right and what is wrong.
Luk 11:23 He that is not with me is against me: and he that gathereth not with me scattereth.
Absolutely true….also Margaret Sanger whose bio has been sanitized had her impact along the same time .
It is instructive to note how many of these ‘steps’ down morally occurred around the same time in our recent history to contribute to the present day immoral condition of our society.
The world is not morally grounded since the devil took position of ‘authority’ once ordained to Adam. Adam forfeited his dominion and thus until Christ returns mankind is fallen, born into a fallen war-zone and must be born again AND become armed with the truth .
As Jesus pointed out …unless we are ‘with ‘ Him , caring to learn what HE wills …there is going to be a ‘vacuum …and it WILL be ‘filled’ by something other than His will.
It all may be part of the end time prophesy but we do not HAVE to be part of the decline. God has given us the Savior but few will seek and find Him. Walking the narrow way He has provided is not appealing to those who love the world , the flesh and the devil disguised a ‘good’ .
Most people do not have the desire to go against the grain . The flesh seeks the lowest level to be comfortable.
One reason my husband spent so much time away from our family was , I believe, he could not stand to be around those who were endeavoring to learn from the Bible how to live.
He found much camaraderie among his co workers. He also worked in a career that was not just for an income but all about money …so it should be no surprise that ‘every evil work’ prevailed among those whose first love is money, power, pleasure, and popularity.
When he began his entrance into that industry we were both in ministry and I encouraged him by saying he could witness to his co workers and thus have a good impact upon anyone he worked with. I was deceived that he cared enough to do that. He soon enough chose to behave in ways that would only endear himself to the pack.
No amount of sacrifice on my part or informing him of how he was missed or even hurting me and his family mattered enough to him.
Basically it ended up with him becoming an ’empty suit’ in my observation….only reflecting to others what they themselves were saying or doing.
Hard to watch ….I wonder if any of those who he worked with saw how much of a ruse his person was …I think as long as he provided fun times for his office they loved him. After all his life did not cause anyone to feel guilty about their own sinful ways.
Zaza,
There have definitely been many steps planned out for moral degradation. Morally breaking down a culture requires planning and effort. Margaret Sanger is one piece of that break down. Others have been part of the moral break down work including Robert Owen, B. F. Westcott, F. J. A. Hort, Cady Stanton and many more through history. Margaret Sanger was only one of many in her generation that subscribed to a weird combination of ‘free love’ and eugenics (better living through better breeding) at the same time. I have considered writing down how the break down has happened over time, in the spheres of theology, church, popular culture, politics, education and technology but that remains only an idea.
I agree that many people have lost any sense of a solid foundation for their morals and their marriages. Part of the struggle with recovery from an affair involves establishing a solid foundation on which to start rebuilding your family.
You have many intriguing insights.
I have been interested in the more recent history of how our country fell prey to such decline. I think your effort to put it all together would be of some interest and use to those who are trying to learn HOW the breakdown came about . Fallen man of course and lack of love and fear of GOD is key also .
I seem to feel that when the Industrial Revolution came about some “giant steps’ in family influence and breakdown became much easier by government effort.
Thanks for your continued offerings for us.
Zaza,
Thank you for the encouraging words.
Your perception of the connection with the industrial revolution is on target. The industrial revolution brought changes in how people lived, where they lived, along with their view of man. Man lost his connection with the land. In loosing his connection with the land, life became more mechanical. Man lost his special status of being made in God’s image. When that image and status changed, there were consequences. The changes in status happened in fields of scientific fields with the likes of Darwin and Lytle, who each started speculating about unscientific matters that were beyond the limits of true science (e.g. what is observable and verifiable). Men like Robert Owen and Karl Marx began taking what they saw in the industrial revolution and applying it to people, while men like Westcott and Hort were changing theology. Change was happening on many fronts. Although there was no conspiracy with them having some evil ‘master plan’, the effects of attacks on man and family on so many fronts was overwhelming. There were definitely some ‘giant steps’ taken during that time that placed tremendous pressure on the family. I am hesitant to go on, since the blog is about affairs and not about my own personal observations on history, science, culture and theology.
Thanks Jeff….yes it is easy to get going on this since all things do touch other things …life is a large network of what God designed all things to be ….Jesus Christ has provided us with SO MUCH to learn to discover what has been lies…what is truth ….no wonder it takes eternity for us to enjoy learning and recognizing His amazing love despite our rebellious fallen nature.