Years ago, I attended a church in Pasadena, Texas whose slogan was “It matters what you believe“. They literally had it carved in stone on the church house.
I’ve found this sentiment about the importance of what you belive one of the foundational truths when it comes to affairs.
As weird as it sounds, what you believe about the affair matters more than what actually occurred with the affair.
What you believe about affairs establishes your ‘frame of reference’. It shapes everything you hear about the affair. It constructs the frame or template through which you filter all information coming to you.
Those beliefs about the affair will keep you from seeing options that may exist, yet you are blind to. That frame creates the boundaries you have for the affair.
What you believe blocks out what doesn’t line up with your beliefs, and only lets in what fits with your preconceived ideas. Your beliefs about the affair are distorting your communications in ways you never imagined.
Those beliefs will determine whether or not you hear the cheater out or shut them out.
What you believe about the affair determines how you view the cheater. It shapes whether you see them as a reprobate, someone who made a mistake, someone who made a poor choice, or a hurting spouse needing help.
Those beliefs interfere with your ability of showing love and attention to the cheater. Your message of condemnation may be coming across stronger than messages of love.
Your beliefs about the affair shapes whether you respond by giving the cheater a ‘slap on the wrist’ for what happened, whether you kick them out of your home, or whether the two of you work together in overcoming the problem.
I mention the importance of what you believe about affairs because you and your spouse need to discuss this with each other. You need to discuss the affair along with what each of you believe about the affair.
Those beliefs can make a mountain out of a mole hill or downplay a major threat to the integrity of your marriage, to the point where it is dismissed as a “speed bump”.
Knowing the importance of beliefs, the ‘Direct Connect’ method used in my products helps you take healing and changes at deep levels of your being. Those beliefs can interfere with healing, yet they can be modified and changed.
If your experiencing difficulty moving past the affair, you’ll benefit from these methods. The video “Overcoming Affair Trauma” guides you in moving past those places where you get stuck.
Start making changes today. Change is possible. Click the link, fill out the form, and within minutes, you can start.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
What I believed period had everything to do with what and how I lived and live . All of how adultery would be viewed and experienced was discussed before we married in a very thorough way.
What I believed about my husband’s character and potentiIal trustworthiness was ahead by lengthy long letters and discussions of deep and significant ant things of faith . Relationships and morality based upon biblical standards.
For me loyalty and honesty with ongoing transpRency and mutual respect were the foundation which I believed according to my husbands ongoing premarital behavior were fully understood and agreed on.
I believed he also had a great deal of deliberation and necessity to guard his own character and integrity .
I was wrong at no time after discovery of his infidelity did he wish to submit to any kind of accountability to anyone.
He had found women and then one woman who was agreeable to be used and to use him for non commit sexual activity. This was also for her a way to be able to get more and more of his feelings of obligation to her but never any desire for divorce or marriage to her. Childbirth was her means of ongoing obligation and income without having him constantly on her life and his way to a “justifiable freedom” from his vows due to the needs of the children born from their adultery.
What I believe about adultery has not changed and what he believes about adultery has not changed .One thing is revealed that we both agree on.., it is wrong and it is shameful. He hid it.
The pain is there for many reasons. The person who I loved and believed his words and behAviour early in our life and marriage is a man who will lie,cheat and steal as everyone thinks he is a great guy.
The level of his ability to be duplicitous is beyond what anyone would believe unless they saw the results with their own eyes.
In today’s world sadly one of the most sorrowful things I have found whenever sparking of this with mostly strangers is sorow but not shock. Infidelity has become common in today’s apostate culture.
Those who are wounded might have a better chance of sympathetic or outrage by others if they said they had a disease or some age PC!
Still there is a dAy when all will give an account and unless there is a repentance and true faith they will have no covering for their sin
The Bible says that thoae who willfully reject the Saviour love darkness more than light and do not like to retain the knowledge of God in their minds.
What I believed, period, had everything to do with what and how I lived and endeavor to live . All of how adultery would be viewed and experienced was discussed before we married in a very thorough way.
What I believed about my husband’s character and potential trustworthiness was discussed ahead of our marriage by lengthy long letters and discussions of deep and significant ant things of faith, relationships and morality based upon biblical standards.
For me loyalty and honesty with ongoing transparency and mutual respect were the foundation which I believed from observing my husband’s ongoing premarital behavior were fully understood and agreed upon.
I believed he also had gone through a great deal of deliberation and understood the necessity to guard his own character and integrity .
I was wrong, at no time after discovery of his infidelity did he wish to submit to any kind of accountability to anyone.
He had found women and then one woman who was agreeable to be used and to use him for non commitent sexual activity.
This was also a way for her to be able to tie him to her by obligation while still not having any obligation to him.
Her plan to be a “single mom by choice” was his assurance that he would not have his own life disrupted while still getting whatever sexual activity she would permit. It turned out to be a LOT more costly that he had assumed.
Still for the length of time that they were able to continue to keep their secret life secret he was becoming more and more bonded to the children. This should be no surprise since the more TIME he spent with her …the more exposure he had to the children that were his biologically. In reality his lust for her caused him to be more and more a ‘family’ with her and them than ours.
Still there was not real loyalty between them and so he is now completely happy to live alone and do whatever he wants without accounting to me or anyone else. He has made a completion of his desire to live alone for himself only.
What I believe about adultery has not changed and what he believes about adultery has not changed .One thing is revealed that we both agree on.., it is wrong and it is shameful, otherwise there was no need to HIDE it and to continue to keep this secret of his from everyone else , including his brother and extended family.
The pain is there for many reasons. The person who I loved and believed his words and behavior early in our life and marriage is a man who will lie,cheat and steal while everyone who does not know about his sinful life thinks he is a “great guy”.
The level of his ability to be duplicitous is beyond what anyone would believe unless they saw the truth with their own eyes.
In today’s world sadly one of the most sorrowful things I have found whenever speaking of this with strangers [I know, at first it was simply easier to speak to people that did not know me or our family!] is sorrow, but not shock. Infidelity has become common in today’s apostate culture.
Those who are wounded might have a better chance of sympathy or outrage by others if they said they had a disease or some condition which is not PC !
Still there is a day when all will give an account and unless there is godly repentance and true faith they will have no covering for their sin.
The Bible says that those who willfully reject the Saviour love darkness more than light and do not like to retain the knowledge of God in their minds.
I think what you believe about Jesus Christ and God has the greatest impact upon how you live your life and learn to honor, respect and protect others, especially one’s spouse and children.