These days you are hearing a lot about love. In some ways, it could leave you thinking that you were back in the 1960’s with giant balloon letters proclaiming ‘LOVE, LOVE, LOVE’ and the Beatles in the background singing “All You Need is Love!”
On the surface it’s an image of flowers, rainbows and bright colors. It leaves you feeling hopeful and good. This kind of love is freeing, it pulses with positive vibrations and make you think that ‘anything is possible’ with enough love.
The challenge is that you and your spouse may like this ‘freedom loving’, ‘warm feeling’ kind of love while ignoring the other side of love. When you have one type of love without the other, it leads to problems. Not just problems in communicating. It leads to problems anytime the two of you interact with each other.
So what is this ‘other side’ of love?
The other side of love is that of self-control and restraint. This is the side of love that restrains you when you are surrounded by temptations.
Out of love, you choose not to sleep with the attractive neighbor or some old flame who makes an encore appearance in your life.
This is the side of love where you choose not to say or do things that may upset your spouse. This is where you intentionally limit yourself. This is the opposite of the ‘freeing’ sensation with the previous side.
This is the side that also says ‘no’ until it hurts. This is the side that protects you from danger even if it means sacrificing themselves.
You need the two sides working together. When they are out of balance, things become unhealthy. There’s a dynamic tension between these two sides. This dynamic tension is part of what adds strength to marriage relationships.
Cheaters want the ‘freeing’ side of love to predominate in their lives. They want to live in a world where you can love whoever you want and sleep with whomever you want and everyone will be understanding and ‘loving’ about it.
The cheater does not want a love that restrains them. They do not want to have to say ‘no’ to temptations. They do not want that side of love that limits their indulgence in things that are not good to them. They do not want to be denied access to the indulgence of their whims.
They definitely do not want the kind of love that is self-sacrificing in order to protect the person that they love. That is the total opposite of the indulgence side of love.
This is one reason why when they tell you “but I love them!” or “it’s a love thing!” or “we are in love”. On telling you that, there is a part of them that wants you to approve and indulge them in their whim.
The last thing they want at that time is anyone telling them “no” or putting limits on who they can love or how they can express their love. The idea of putting any restraints on their experience is repulsive to them.
In today’s society, those who restrain or limit are called ‘haters’ and those acts that limit are now considered ‘hate’.
When they are not wanting to say “no” to their indulgences, what is the likelihood that they will show the self-sacrificing type of love?
When they don’t like hearing no, they are not likely to tell themselves no, or protect you by shielding you from dangers.
You need to understand that in modern minds, the other side of love, which requires limits and restrains is now viewed as hate, while the side of indulgence is considered love. This means that the whole definition has been changed.
By changing the definition, it muddies any conversations about love. You and your spouse may both be using the same word of ‘love’, yet each of you means something different.
Take the question “Don’t you love me?” What is actually being asked? One of you is referring to the ‘freedom to indulge’, while the other is referring to ‘showing self restraint’. Unless the two of you take a hard look at what each of you is meaning, when you say love, you totally miss each other.
When the two of you are missing each other in talking about love, the chances are the two of you are missing each other in expressing love as well.
If your marriage needs a tune-up when it comes to love, consider the “30 Days to a Better Marriage Program” is a way of giving your marriage the help it needs with communication and love.
Best Regards,
Jeff
10 Responses
In addition to “hate”, expecting accountably for restraint is also now often called being “controlling” or “suffocating” by the cheaters.
Untold,
Thanks for your comment, it is very perceptive.The labels of ‘controlling’ and suffocating are often used when they are not wanting accountability. Using such labels turns the person expressing concern into being a bad guy.
Good article for the common man.
The author of “The Road Less Traveled” defines love as “Doing what is best for the spiritual growth of the object of that love.”
Keep up the good work.
Dad,
Thank you for the feedback and encouragement.
I agree 100% with this article. It is clearly stated and well-said. If GOD is LOVE, there is no place for Selfish in love. God is self-sacrificing love. The Corinthian “love” chapter defines love: patient, kind, doesn’t boast/envy…is not SELF-SEEKING. Nothing said about masking as self pleasing. While I am personally in the midst of a “love storm” and dealing with aftermath, it was certainly my spouse’s choosing of self-indulgence that sunk the marriage and only a self-restraining love that could possible bring it back. The people yelling the loudest for “LOVE” or “unconditional love” mean “You accept ME and MY indulgence. YOU deny your need for stability on the altar of my lust. And if you love me, you will expect nothing in return…especially from me.”
Becky,
Thank you for your comments and thoughts on the topic of love. I have not heard the term “love storm” before. I like the descriptive imagery it conveys. You are right about ‘real’ love not being self-seeking. Today’s culture is fixated on a plastic, good time phoney baloney fantasy regarding love. They want the acceptance, of them and their indulgences, but not the self-sacrificing part, or the constricting part of love. They all want a picture of Jesus with open arms and acceptance instead of the historical Jesus who died paying the penalty for their self-indulgences or the Jesus that confronts adultery, or the Jesus that tells them to do what is right.
I hope you have a wonderful day.
Jeff
Good discussion and comments ….
When accountability was necessary …when I asked questions which I believe were pertinent for any healing of our marriage relationship …as I always had done my level best to respect my husband’s privacy throughout our marriage and trusted him …but after D Day when I asked questions about where he was going when going out of town and where he would be staying …which seemed reasonable in case of emergency …but also seemed right afteer learning of his terrible breach of trust during the many years of his adultery ….He accused me of being ‘obsessed’ with him!
REALLY? After 34 years of marriage I wanted to know how to get in touch with him if need be….I then recalled back when I had no idea of what he was up to and one time asked him about something and he had replied ” if you’re writing a book leave that chapter out!” I was shocked as it seemed out of character of him….looking back I realize that it was the same year he was having a baby with the OW ….the SECOND baby!
During that time unusually rude replies were made to me …even in the presence of our children who also were shocked as it was so out of character for him …such as ‘What have you done for me lately” !….
Such overt remarks in the face of all the sacrifices our family had been making and I had taken up to make sure he was not over burdened….at his request hurt deeply .
Right accountability in marriage was just too much for him to give ….and it DID impact our children’s ideas of how a father is to behave and how to behave toward a wife.
Thankfully I raised our children and taught them at home with the Bible as our foundation in all areas.
Still the impact and legacy of this man will continue no matter how ‘sorry’ he says he is …he is still living unto himself and his flesh. Not continuing in active adultery but abandoning all of the jurisdiction of a husband which God has set forth and will be called to account for his choices. Christ paid for our sins but those who reject Him and rebel against the knowledge they have had will be called into account.
No amount of worldly success will make up for neglect or abandonment of a husband’s ordained responsibilities in the marriage covenant and family leading.
Zaza,
The change in how your husband responded to your questions is a perfect illustration of how the ‘self’ focus changes things. With affairs, the cheaters focus shifts to where they become very internally focused/self-oriented (e.g. what is in it for ME). This is very different from the concern for your spouse that you would expect in marriage. This shift is one of factors that take the two of you off the same page. It shifts the focus and perspective of each of you. Instead of what can we do about this, it becomes what are you doing for me?
Thank you for your faithful continuing to encourage by responding. It helps somewhat to know SOMEONE gets it.
I did not ignore this disrespect but RESPECTFULLY asked my husband how his words demonstrated the kind of love for his wife before his children that I know that he wanted to continue to portray.
I think that the sinfulness of rejecting the Lord and His Word and taking up a willful lifestyle of sin results in a great demonstration of how self deceit is at work.
He always seems to have viewed himself as a good , fair and generous man …and indeed by the world’s definition as you have well put it….social justice and social doctrines are humanist , pagan and hedonistic and void of true understanding of the way God has defined love.
God’s definition is best FOR ALL of us . Those who rebel and continue to do whatever their flesh and lust provokes them to do without any filter of whether it is actually good and healthy will be blinded.
His responses to being brought to revisit his words which were really despicable and should have caused him to apologize …only prompted him to try to minimize it and say he was ‘just kidding’!
I know the difference.
When he was exposed to be unkind in these ways he could not accept that he was capable of being unkind or cruel so rather than admit it ..he lied about it …but his actions spoke volumes of disrespect for the very wife HE chose!
This alone shows that a man who cheats and complains about his wife that GOD has said is HIS OWN jurisdiction and he alone is responsible for the care and condition of his wife’s heart….then it is revealed how the man has been faithful to keep his vow in this mostly unknown and unaccepted realm of excellence available to every married man.
If a man fails to obey GOD in how he treats his wife any other ‘success’ is considered failure according to God’s economy. Women suffer when they love a man who does not love GOD enough to care to learn and grow in the knowledge that GOD has commanded us to gain through study and rightly dividing the Word of God …so as to not be ASHAMED before GOD.
So if a man loves GOD and obeys he will learn how to be content with the wife HE asked the LORD to give him as his wife…and he will become more and more in love with the woman …
HE will govern his eyes…his thoughts and he will avoid discontent and being drawn into lust for something ‘other’ ….thus we understand how GOD equates adultery with idolatry.
Adultery and fleshly life choices result in more and more blindness and self deceit as it is what the Bible speaks of as ‘walking by the flesh’ …which it also says results in death.
The [spiritually] dead know not anything .
Ecc 9:5 For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten.
Rom 8:13 For if ye live after the flesh, ye shall die: but if ye through the Spirit do mortify the deeds of the body, ye shall live.
When they, the unlearned and spiritually dead are caught up in living in and by lies they cannot imagine HOW to live any other way so they devise ‘fables’ to twist their worldview to suit their need for a continuing ‘comfort zone’ based upon a passing fancy .
When that fails they devise yet another form of it …until at the last ..if they do not repent upon conviction there comes a time when they will cease to respond to any reproof and descend further and further into deception unto ultimate death.
Without the prayers we who know the Lord may offer up for their souls sake …who will ? It is difficult but it is in considering our own time before knowing Jesus Christ in spirit and in truth by His word….that we are brought to remember His mercy upon us .
Difficult things often are the very things which build in us the very strength and understanding of those things the Word wills for us to learn.
So I think it is demonstrated in that if walking after the Lord may be challenging for a born again believer …yet made possible by the spirit of the Lord by the knowledge and the power of Jesus Christ …then where will those who know Him not be found?
1Pe 4:18 And if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?
Zaza,
You definitely know the difference! There is a chasm of a difference between fleshly love and God-inspired love. The way a husband treats his wife speaks volumes. How a wife treats her husband also speaks volumes. God uses marriage to shape us into the people He wants us to be. That shaping process is often resisted by many people.
In terms of affairs, having the wrong kind of love, leads to wrong solutions. What you think will satisfy your need for love is on the wrong object.