Since most cheaters think in the short term, few consider the legacy of their affair. Their children and grand-children will live in their shadows. When your shadow includes an affair, it leaves a mark that goes down through the ages.
Although present day progressive thinkers may view their affair as a ‘badge of honor’ (since they have a way of twisting meanings around), the legacy of that affair will be viewed differently by their offspring.
The effects of affairs goes through generations. The effects do not stop with the generation that had the affair. Although cheaters want to think that apologizing to you and asking forgiveness will bring it all to an end.
They’re mistaken.
Just because they may not want to discuss the affair after its over, doesn’t mean that the effects are over. In the cheater’s mind, the whole matter is settled. They don’t consider its impact across the generations. They didn’t consider it’s impact on you or the kids, much less the grandkids or great-grandchildren.
They figure that the affair is an adult matter, between themselves, the lover and you. That is another affair myth. It may be up to the three of you to end the affair, but that does not mean that the effects are over.
Future generations reflect on the actions of their ancestors, looking for clues as to what their values were and what was important to them. Even though they want to believe that they had loving parents, grandparents, etc., on taking a closer look, that may not be the case.
Affairs are associated with rejection. Someone was rejected for an affair to occur in the first place. An affair sends a rejection time capsule into future generations.
The rejection may be of their spouse, family or values. It could also be a rejection of all the above. You will not be there to put a positive spin on what happened.
They see it and make their own conclusions. The conclusions they come to will start off with a negative spin associated with rejection and go from there.
Historically, the legacy of an affair is filled with with shame and infamy. Affairs in previous generations are signs that someone was either sexually gregarious or had character defects, with the majority being the defects.
From working with a special kind of therapeutic family tree called a genogram, affairs are often surrounded by secrets and alliances within families.
Just because you do not tell many people about your affair does not mean that future generations will not discover what happened. Those familiar with genograms quickly pick up on other patters of dysfunction, since affairs are often only one symptom of bigger issues.
(This is why I include genograms in the “Affair Recovery Workshop“. You have to deal with the affair and the patterns that go with it. A big part of recovery is taking the affair problem out by its roots.)
They are familiar with the patterns that show up in families with affairs, even when they were not discussed openly. There are often tell-tale signs associated with affairs.
It is not by accident that in the recovery community, they know how true the statement “You’re as sick as your secrets” is.
This statement is true today and will be true when it comes to legacies. Typically the more the secrecy, the more the dysfunction. Consider what legacy you’re creating. Are you making memories or creating shameful secrets?
Best Regards,
Jeff
One Response
So true. Sadly