A hush came over the room when Susan disclosed “I’ve been having an affair.” For a moment, it was like someone pushed the pause button. Everything stopped for what seemed like seconds that were stretched out into minutes.
Although the others in the room were stunned at Susan’s revelation, her husband sitting next to her didn’t hear what she said. He saw all the looks of disbelief yet didn’t know what it was about.
He was in ‘true’ denial about what just occurred. His mind was unable to process the information Susan disclosed. The words reached his ears, yet his mind found it so unpalatable, it didn’t process the information.
When you are dealing with ‘true’ denial, the threatening information is blocked out either partially or completely. It’s not about hiding or playing games, your mind doesn’t register the threatening information.
I use the term ‘true’ denial since there is an actual blocking or distorting of the threatening information. This kind operates unconciously and automatically.
You may have encountered the other kind of behavior called ‘denial’. That type of denial has more in common with ‘head games’. It is conscious and intentional. The ‘head game’ denial is nothing more that old fashioned lying.
The person lying to you often disguises the lie, or twists the meanings of words in hiding it. With this type of lying, you are told things intentionally to deceive. The purpose of this denial is distracting you from the threatening information.
Some spouses are so good at this kind of behavior, it comes as second nature. They may not even have to think through their deceptions. When they are deceiving you, there’s a good chance they have deceived themselves as well.
This means they likely talked themselves into having an affair. They’re now using the same techniques on you in keeping you from discovering the affair or some aspects of it.
When your spouse deceives you with intention, you’re dealing with lies. When the deception is unconcious, you’re likely dealing with ‘true’ denial.
This will give you a better idea of whether you’re dealing with lies or denial.
The Chinese philosopher, Confucius said, “The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their proper name.” This is some solid advice when you’re dealing with a cheater and unraveling the tangled web of deception and lies that comes with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff
