Although I don’t recall every counseling session I’ve been in, there are some that do stand out. One I vividly recall was a Friday night helping Tome with his addiction struggles. We talked about his his on-going challenges regarding relapse.
He continued struggling with slipping and relapse. He attended meetings, wanted change, yet somehow couldn’t manage it. It was at this point we began discussing the route he took home in the evenings. He shared with me how he played games with the lights. ‘If I get three green lights in a row, I won’t give in”.
The game varied from time to time, yet he ended up losing more than winning. At that point we discussed the possibility of taking another way home. He had never considered that option. On trying it, that small change produced some big results.
Although he had changed his emotions and thinking, that final shift of changing his environment (in this case, the way he drove home) takes a little longer. Although it was a small change, it was enough to change his patterns.
In dealing with the cheater, it helps remembering that changes in emotion and thinking come before the changes in their environment. They may have good intentions, yet never thought of changing something in their surroundings as part of recovery.
They also play games, gambling with themselves about the affair. Instead of counting lights, they have their own personal variations. When the cheater is honest, you’ll learn about their games. They seem silly to you, yet the outcome of those games were behind their choices and routines.
What seem to be little changes in where they go and daily routines often produce big results. Many productivity experts know the power of little changes in surroundings. That’s why making positive changes in this area is an important part of affair recovery.
In the video “Preventing Affair relapse” I address what you need in a good Relapse Prevention Plan. Those plans, when executed, make big changes in lives. Within minutes you can start making some of those changes as well.
Best Regards,
Jeff
