Although I don’t recall the specifics of the mishap where it happened, I remember the conversation. After the mishap, my best friend turned to me, sighed and said “Jeff, sometimes you’re your own worst enemy!”
I’ve recalled that conversation many times in my own self talk. His statement typically pops up on realizing that whatever mishap I’m in the middle was my fault.
Over the years, I’ve learned ways of identifying those times along with the issues behind them. When one of those self-inflicted mishaps occur, there’s a reason behind it.
There’s even a whole areas of psychology that have built up around self-inflicted thinking. The term often used is self-defeating behaviors or SDB’s.
Once I decode the reason behind my self-inflicted mishap and what it’s keeping me from, I’m able to move ahead. It’s been quite a learning curve, yet I’ve learned ways of moving past those self-defeating moments along with the motivation behind them.
One thing I can tell you about those experiences is that having your spouse nag you or say smart-alec snippy things during those moment doesn’t help matters. It makes the self-defeating part even worse.
Another thing I can tell you is that you will encounter self-defeating behavior from the cheater during recovery. As they go through recovery, there will be times that they do things than are ‘self-defeating’. At those times, they are already down on themselves.
You probably know from your own experiences during recovery how self-defeating behaviors erected roadblocks preventing you from getting where you wanted to go. You know what it was like to torment yourself with your own self-doubt.
If you pile on to your spouse’s self-defeating acts, you’ll be adding gasoline to an already blazing problem. Your piling on will likely push them into an impulsive choice.
They may even be counting on you reacting that way so that they can do something stupid, like relapse and not feel so bad about it.
Those self-defeating moments come in all sizes. Recognizing them when they show up is an important part of preventing affair relapse.
The next part after recognizing them is dealing with them. When you realize how they fit into the relapse pattern, you can deal with them effectively rather than those episodes driving your spouse into the arms of another.
In the video, “Overcoming Affair Relapse“, you’ll learn about what patterns to look for along with what else goes into an effective relapse prevention plan. Having a good plan is your best protection against Affair Relapse.
Best Regards,
Jeff
