A few years ago, my next door neighbor Rob moved out of his home. I remember him moving in the spring.
With Spring, many people make changes and new starts. His moving out brings to mind of some of the conversations I’ve had with him while he lived next door. He liked to cut down trees and burn them on cool spring mornings.
Like Tim Allen’s character having conversations with his neighbor, Wilson in the show “Home Improvement”, I talked with Rob. Only in our case, we weren’t following a Hollywood script or talking over a fence.
On finding out I am a therapist focused on helping couples overcome affairs, he opened up about his marriage and affairs. Rob has been both the betrayed and a lover of cheating wives. He admitted still being hurt from his first wife’s cheating on him.
I always found his perspective on affairs enlightening. It amazed me how quickly he shifted from ‘affairs are bad’ when he was betrayed, to them not being such a big deal when he was in the role of lover.
I recall during one conversation, he suddenly turned his head in a way indicating that the gears were shifting and said, “Jeff, it’s hard saying NO when an attractive woman comes into your office and wants to sleep with you.”
He lived a life many men only fantasize about. The truth is the fantasy is nightmarish. I’m sure that her willingness to sleep with him only increases her attractiveness.
Although he briefly entertained the idea that what he was doing in sleeping with a married woman wasn’t morally right, he found it hard saying no to such an offer, right there in front of him. He told me that it was a huge boost to his ego when those things happened. What amazed him was that it’s happened multiple times.
He admitted that although he disapproves of affairs, when those situations happened, he never even considered the morality of his choices or the effects they may have.
Although he’d been hurt by his wife’s affair before they divorced, he never considered the hurt of his sleeping around on other marriages. Rob also shared that their husband’s still don’t know about what happened.
Rob isn’t alone in his experiences. Ego trips up many people. It’s hard saying no when it’s staring you in the face. When the offer is from someone who’s attractive, it’s even more challenging. What makes it challenging is that the seducing cheater appeals to base desires.
The combined offer of no strings attached sex with someone who’s physically attractive who finds you appealing is hard for many people to say no to. Resisting temptation requires strong character and in many cases, an exit plan. You need a way of getting away from those situations.
When you or your spouse face such a situation, it’s too late to try formulating an exit plan on the spot. The time for coming up with an exit plan is before you’re in Rob’s situation. Rob didn’t think about moral choices when temptation walked into his office.
That’s why I created the “30 Days to a Better Marriage Program“. When your communication and relationship with your spouse is at its best, the risk of temptation is decreased. Having a strong connection with your spouse is the best way to teflon coat you and your spouse from sticky situations like Rob’s. When your first thought is about how your choices impact your marriage rather than what boosts your ego, you make better choices and find it easier to say “No”.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
