When it comes to affairs, have you ever heard your spouse say ‘How could I be so stupid?’ By labeling the decision to have an affair or yield to temptation as stupid, they are taking a short-cut.
Their short cut avoids responsibility. In calling their actions ‘stupid’, they are inviting you to play a game where responsibility is avoided.
They have intentionally not learned lessons about affairs and their consequences. Perhaps they thought they could beat the odds or that they could talk their way out of it.
Some of you joined them in playing this game without realizing what you were doing. They dodged a huge guilt bullet and you helped them avoid it.
They don’t want to face the truth about what they did or the decision making involved.
Truth be told, their decision was foolish and ignorant. In cases where they knew what they were doing, it was foolish. When they didn’t know the consequences or what they were getting into, it was ignorance.
Ignorance is VERY different. Ignorance involves intentional denial about the affair and its consequences.
They may have even been willfully ignorant, which is very different than being stupid. They closed their eyes to any consequences.
Now that they are caught, they tell you it was stupid or that beat themselves up with false shame claiming they made a ‘stupid mistake’.
By getting you to buy into the ‘stupid’ excuse, they want your support in avoiding responsibility.
They are inviting you to join them in dancing around responsibility. Accepting the stupid excuse is your invitation to that dance.
I understand how you don’t want to hurt, and want things to get better as fast as possible. Accepting their excuse of being ‘stupid’ gives some quick relief, yet dances around them accepting responsibility.
The stupid excuse get the cheater off the hook of responsibility. It allows them to avoid admitting that they knew what they were doing was wrong and they did it anyway.
It’s been my experience that cheaters do ‘know better’. Education is not their problem. If they need education, it’s needed in other areas.
When they play the ‘stupid’ card, you are faced with some choices. How will you react to the stupid card? Will you be able to see past what they are doing?
If you were a member of the support community at Restored Lifestyle, you’d have some recommendations on responding to the stupid card along with what areas the cheater does need help in. You can have answers to your concerns rather than wandering lost and confused.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
