After yesterday’s email on the fairy tale warnings, I realized more attention is needing on the topic of what you deserve in a marriage. The whole issue of what you deserve often comes up during the recovery from an affair.
The topic of what you deserve in your marriage is one of those topics couples need some serious consideration of. From my experience, there are things you deserve in your marriage, yet when you put what you deserve ahead of your responsibilities, it creates problems.
Like putting the cart before the horse, many of you put what you deserve ahead of what your responsibilities are. When this happens it puts a strange unhealthy twist on your marriage relationship.
The affair already put a wicked twist on your marriage, the ‘deserve dilemma’ puts another one. Remember that the cheater chased after what they thought they ‘deserved’ as well.
Focusing on the ‘Deserve’ rather than what’s required or what your responsibilities creates dangerous tension and unrealistic expectations.
The whole issue of what you deserve shifts your focus to what you are worthy of in your marriage. What you deserve is the result or the effect of earlier actions. When the deserve piece is put ahead of the responsibility piece it twists your marriage around in an unhealthy and unsustainable way.
The first thing to get straight are what your responsibilities are. Once those are settled, then comes what you deserve.
The other part of the deserve piece is that you get out what you put into it, only more so. If you put a large amount of negativity and bad habits into your marriage, you’ll end up receiving your merit.
If you want more good out of your marriage, it requires investing more good things and positivity into it. Focusing on what you ‘deserve’ amounts to seeking the end product of what you and your spouse have put into your marriage relationship, rather than focusing on what is needed NOW and doing what’s necessary.
I suspect one reason why so many marriage workshops focus on what you deserve is that few people want to talk about or consider what your responsibilities in marriage are.
In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I share the system for turning things around, including addressing the taboo subject of responsibility in your marriage. You need straight talk and clear direction on what will turn your marriage around rather than promises of happiness and happily ever after endings.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
