It amazes me how swinger trolls leave posts about how swinging (or wife swapping) has improved their lives and helped them find their sexuality. They go on and claim that their marriage ‘has never been better.‘
Just on reading their canned comments, I shake my head knowing that ‘they’re out of touch’. They continue being cheerleaders for the swinging lifestyle. They gloss over and ignore the many wounded spouses experiencing collateral damage.
Even the term ‘wife swap’ has connotations of wives being used or traded around like chattel.
A distraught wife contacted me wanting answers about a swinging incident gone wrong. After their “swing”, her mood swings intensified leaving her sad and crying more often than not.
Besides the crying, her mind obsesses on how her husband appears unaffected. They’ve even had fights over his non-reaction to their swap.
She views his lack of remorse as his acceptance of what happened and rejection of her.
When she and her husband aren’t fighting, she wrestles with doubt over the security of her marriage. She’s plagued with the fear that her husband may leave her now that he’s been with someone else.
She wanted to know “When we swung why did it get to me.. Why did i get so hurt and cried for weeks ? But it didn’t effect him in a way ? Does it mean he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t get jealous?”
Her questions are common ones. Let’s look at her questions one at a time.
In response to “why did I get so hurt and cried for weeks?” Your brain is different than your husbands. A woman’s brain has more neurons which make you more receptive to many things. That receptivity often shows up in the form of emotions with increased intensity.
The second question about “but it didn’t effect him in a way?” Men’s brains are designed to be more task oriented. They often compartmentalize better than females. Since they have fewer neurons they aren’t as sensitive to their surroundings or tasks as the females are.
Her third question of “Does it mean he doesn’t love me?” No, it does not mean he doesn’t love you. It means that he wasn’t impacted by the event the way you were. He managed compartmentalizing it. Anytime you have relations with someone new bonds are formed. His bonding was different than yours.
Finally, her fourth question of “Doesn’t he get jealous?”
Each man gets jealous in different ways. The jealousy reaction is often tied into whether or not they feel threatened by an outsider taking his wife. It’s possible that he felt secure in his relationship with you so that jealousy was never in question.
The reality is that the swinging lifestyle emotionally damages couples. It leaves scars behind. There’s also a huge difference between having sexual relations in front of others versus having relations with someone other than your spouse. Although both are referred to as ‘swinging’, the impact of each is different.
Those who were sucked into it are desperate for answers to why they feel so bad, even though they were told they’d feel better.
If you’re one of those who struggle with the aftermath of the swinging lifestyle, you’ll benefit from the video on “Relationship Trauma for Swingers”. Download it and start your healing.
You’ve got a unique situation that not everyone understands.
You don’t have to stay trapped in a untenable situation.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
