A reader recently struggling with her spouse’s infidelity wrote to me. She shared how her spouse had multiple addictions, several affairs along narcissistic tendencies.
She was obviously worn out from dealing with the many challenges and string of ongoing crises that come with such situations. She had many questions, yet one caught my attention. She wanted to know, “When does the charade fall apart or does it continue?”
Part of me wanted to give her a specific answer in the form of a date on the calendar. When you mix addictions with affairs, it makes any situation worse. One bad habit encourages another. The habits feed into each other.
One bad habit also infuses with another so that it is hard to determine what came first. You are looking at a massive pile of lies, cover-ups, shady behavior, and denial topped off with mixed messages.
I shared with her that “Some cheaters continue their charade as long as they can and then some. The power of denial is powerful. The charade can continue until either their money, health or support network break down and collapse.”
I associate the charade with denial since it keeps them from waking up to what’s really happening. As long as a cheater is feeling no pain, there’s little likelihood of change.
When the cheater’s life gets really bad, they might see things with greater clarity. The aim would be to shift blame and responsibility off themselves at this point. A cheater who has always blamed you for the state of their affairs is likely not to change until they realize that their choices are what got them into this mess.
The hard reality is that pain forces them to change. When they’re not in pain, there’s no change.
Cheaters need pain in making change happen. Without pain, there’s no motivation for changing what they’re doing.
Pain can show up in the form of embarrassment, guilt or shame. In some cases, the natural consequences finally catch up to them. As long as they can gratify themselves with no consequences, they have no reason to change. They don’t want to grow up so long as it’s still playtime.
The awakening process consists of them waking up to what’s really going on. They wake up to what they did to themselves, what they did to others, and the consequences of their choices. It’s when they are confronted with the ugly consequences, they finally find the motivation to improve things.
The awakening process is also painful for you. You finally wake up to the reality of what’s happening rather than continuing to be part of the cheater’s delusional world.
This is where the video “Getting Past the Affair Crisis” comes in. It helps you adjust to what’s going on and what your options are.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
