Yesterday I talked with you about the struggles surrounding setting boundaries. I pointed to seeking the approval of others as the source of the struggle.
It’s much easier to think the problem is due to other factors. It’s easier looking for answers in terms of a lack of knowledge or lukewarm commitment or not setting the boundaries correctly.
Those are good things to try, yet they only address surface concerns. They address the symptoms rather than the source of your struggle. Each will provide some limited success.
You may even want to continue viewing those factors as the source of your struggle, even though you know deep down that your fears of rejection are the bigger issue.
One reason the affair hits so hard is that it forces you into facing your fears of rejection. With what they did, the cheater rejected you. That kind of rejection hurts at a deep level.
It’s natural to seek someone or something to blame. But the real source of your pain is not the affair, but your fear of rejection. The affair forces you to come face-to-face with that fear, giving you an opportunity to begin facing it and overcoming it.
This is what drives questions like “Why wasn’t I good enough?” or “Why did you choose them over me?” It’s not that you really want detailed reasons for them choosing the other person. Instead, you wanted the reassurance of being valued and desired.
You want them to acknowledge that you still have value to them. Part of you still wants their approval.
This is a difficult thing to face. It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that you have fears of rejection. No one wants to feel like they have such fears.
I know that the logic of you still wanting their approval after being rejected doesn’t make much sense on the surface.
But the first step in overcoming any fear is acknowledging that it exists. Once you do that, you can begin to take steps to address this is that the issue is more emotional than logical.
The affair exposed your vulnerability in this area. That wounding that has you seeking the approval of others still needs attention and healing. Rather than ignoring the wounds and earlier trauma, take this time and work on them.
In the video “Getting Past Affair Trauma”, I share ways for moving past traumas in your life. Dealing with the struggles at that level provides healing that puts you in better shape.
I encourage you to click and download it so that you can start your healing.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
