A question often raised in the affair recovery community is “Can you define someone by their relationships?” The reason this comes up is that some cheaters and their paramours hide behind the phrase “You can’t define someone by their relationships.”
The phrase sounds altruistic and well-meaning. Although it sounds good, it is misleading.
I’m not sure where this idea came from. It’s certainly not an established social axiom. In previous generations, people were warned that ‘if you sleep with dogs, you’ll wake up with fleas.’ This is an old saying that points out that your relationships impact you. In this case, they irritate you.
Who you have relationships with reflects on you in either positive or negative ways.
If you go back to Biblical precedents, there are plenty of passages about how bad friends and associating with fools for long periods of time lead to bad habits. They knew that whom you associate with shapes your habits and your reputation. Although Jesus ate with the sinners, his motive was one of bringing them to repentance and ministry. I have not known many adulterers who go into the affair for the purpose of bringing their lover to repentance.
Even the government knows about the importance of whom you associate with. There’s a reason why thorough background checks also include identifying whom you associate with. If you associate with criminals, it’s likely that you are one yourself. Even after a quick trip across the border, Customs officials will ask you about who you met with and for what reasons.
In the business world, we often judge people by the company they keep. If someone hangs around shady characters, we question their integrity. If we see them associating with upstanding citizens, we’re more likely to trust them.
Even Hollywood knows the power of who you associate with in defining who you are. Celebrities are careful about who they are seen with, since they know they’ll be judged by those associations.
The clothing brand of Tommy Hilfiger was built by an entrepreneur having celebrities wear his clothing. He knew that the relationship of celebrity with his clothing was a way of getting noticed.
Claiming that you can’t define them by their relationship is nothing more than a distraction to throw you off. They know their relationships define them and they don’t like what their reputation is. Instead of considering their reputation, they instead focus on gratifying their urges.
They want you to accept a falsehood and stop saying negative things about them. They are hoping you experience a wince of guilt and back off. They know what they are doing is wrong, so they can’t win any moral arguments. Instead, they hope putting you on a guilt trip will work.
If anything, the cheater’s reputation is what needs help. They need shaming, for its’ only when they start feeling pain that they’ll start making some changes.
A huge part of their reputation concerns trust. Rebuilding it requires making changes in how they do things. In the video “How Can I Trust You Again?“, I go into what trust is along with how to start rebuilding it in your marriage.
Click and download your copy today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
