At a recent Family Therapy Association meeting I attended, the main focus was on ADHD. Presenters shared the latest findings and treatments for this disorder.
In one of the presentations, the speaker pointed out that researchers have found links between adult ADHD and affairs. I thought, “Wow!” that’s something you don’t often hear about.
I’d never thought through the ramifications of that connection. Here’s what it means: People with ADHD are at higher risk for affairs than non-ADHD populations. What makes them at risk is that their ability to say “NO” is limited.
The Link Between ADHD and Affairs
Their attention problems interfere with decision-making. They act before they consider the consequences of their actions, making their choices more impulsive, including when faced with the choice of whether or not to cheat.
Their brains work against making good choices. No matter their moral convictions, their impulse control works against their better judgment. They consider immediate gratification rather than the consequences.
In situations where you’re dealing with a cheater who has ADHD, the cheater would not be considering the consequences of their actions. They may not have wanted an affair, yet by not considering the possible consequences or other options, they are caught up in them.
Vulnerability to Exploitation
Those with ADHD are easy prey for exploiters who take advantage of them not thinking through their choices. There are always some people who take advantage of others' disabilities. In the case of ADHD, they exploit their impulsive decisions.
Like many other distractions in their life, a bright, shiny object grabbed their attention, and the next thing they knew, they were smack dab in the middle of an affair.
Those with ADHD are distracted by the arousal. Any kind of arousal will do since the mind often only knows it is turned on. Once their mind is turned on, the arousal can be directed to other areas.
The Role of Arousal
Since affairs are highly arousing, they keep the person with ADHD from thinking through their choice. They focus on the immediate rewards rather than the consequences. Their ability to consider cause and effect doesn’t work effectively.
Once the little arousal switch in their mind is flipped to the ‘on’ position, the arousal is easily sexualized. Since they focus on immediate gratification rather than the consequences of their choices, they are an easy mark. The risk is high for ADHD and affairs.
The added dimension of ADHD and affairs means that executive functions like planning ahead or considering consequences are ‘hit and miss.’ When ADHD kicks in, the executive function part of the brain goes to the back of the bus.
Impulsivity and Decision Making
The cheater with ADHD never intended for it to happen and also never considered the consequences. In such cases, the cheater doesn’t think beyond a week or two in the future. They really didn’t think about the situation when it happened.
That means that some of those cheaters who are accused of lying may actually be telling you the straight-up truth. They really didn’t think. Their distractibility kept them from thinking.
When you have a cheater with ADHD, they may not have schemed and plotted out an affair. They may have had no intention of having an affair. They were distracted and aroused, and once aroused, they began making impulsive choices.
Hope and Treatment
The presentation also pointed out that in cases where cheating is associated with ADHD, there is hope. In such situations, there are very effective medications that can help with the attention and distraction involved.
The medication can help get their thinking back, yet you’ll still need help with the affair issues. Knowing that ADHD may be a factor does not take away the pain of the cheater betraying you. It still hurts. If ADHD and affairs are an issue in your situation, medication can help.
Medication doesn’t mean they’ll never cheat again, but it does mean that they can regain some self-control when faced with temptations in the future. The two of you will still need cooperative efforts in developing plans for dealing with such situations.
Understanding the Challenge
ADHD and affairs are not a good combination. The destruction that affairs bring, combined with the impaired decision-making of ADHD, makes this a difficult challenge.
When an affair happens, you need the kind of help in the Affair Recovery Workshop, which addresses the brain connections involved with affairs and ways of changing them. The workshop shows how the two of you can work together to tackle the relationship issues behind the affair.
Conclusion
The connection between ADHD and affairs is a complex and often overlooked issue. While ADHD can significantly impair decision-making and impulse control, leading to a higher risk of infidelity, understanding this connection can provide a pathway to healing and prevention.
If ADHD and affairs are impacting your relationship, seeking professional help and considering medication as a part of treatment can make a significant difference. Additionally, working together to develop strategies for handling temptations and improving communication can strengthen your bond and help prevent future issues.
Reflection Questions
- How has ADHD impacted decision-making and impulse control in your relationship?
- What strategies can you and your partner develop to handle temptations and improve communication?
- How can medication and professional help contribute to managing ADHD-related challenges in your relationship?
- What steps can you take to address the pain and betrayal caused by an affair while understanding the role of ADHD?
- How can you work together to rebuild trust and strengthen your relationship after an affair?
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