Are You Being Groomed to Cheat? The Reality Behind Premeditated Affairs

Although movies and popular media often portray affairs as products of ‘happenstance,’ the reality is very different. Research has found that as many as 75% of affairs are premeditated and planned, meaning they were not accidental. Before any cheating occurs, there’s the obsessing, plotting, and planning that goes into an affair long before it happens. One form of this plotting and planning is ‘grooming.’ When the cheater begins grooming others, it can be noticeable. However, what is often not so noticeable is when a cheater is grooming you.

Unfortunately, one of the more common ways a cheater grooms you is through friendship. This approach allows them to gather information about your marriage and yourself without raising too many alarms. It also gives them access to you when they need something—like an alibi or someone to discuss the affair with. Cheaters continue grooming you to cheat in a couple of ways. It can happen when your spouse wants you to cheat or when a cheater is preparing you as a victim of their cheating. In either case, you’re being exploited.

Subtle Grooming Tactics

The following are some of the more subtle ways cheaters groom you for cheating. When it’s your spouse, the grooming often starts with them ‘softening’ you up with talk about affairs. Sometimes, the information is more subtle or even inadvertent. If you’re involved with someone who has already cheated, they may tell you how much their spouse hated sex, did drugs, was frigid, or had some other negative trait as a way of feeling out where your marriage stands. They might expose you to movies about affairs, increase your alcohol intake, and talk more about affairs. When they discuss affairs, it’s often about the benefits—how it will improve your marriage or how happy it will make them for you to do it. They may even suggest that an affair would make you feel more like a man or a woman. The idea that an affair will increase your passion is a time-worn favorite.

Along with this talk, grooming can include improving your appearance and dress. You may think they just want you to look better, but their ulterior motive is more sinister. Looking better appeals to everyone, and eventually, it shifts into dressing with greater sex appeal.

Attention and Boundaries

When someone other than your spouse is grooming you for an affair, it often starts with giving you attention. They will talk to you, be pleasant, go out of their way to be nice, and compliment you. Grooming may also include gifts or thoughtful gestures. These actions prepare you for the next step. Once they’ve developed a rapport, potential cheaters often start testing limits, both in conversation and physical contact. They will gain access to your personal space and begin by touching your hair, then progress to more personal areas. Since your rapport has been friendly, you might not notice their advances until it’s too late.

Their goal is to get into your personal space. The distance between you is crucial. Think about the difference between someone standing a foot away versus six inches or less. When they can touch your body or hair, you’ve crossed into their comfort zone and further down the path of grooming for an affair. This stage is complete when they can be in your personal space without making you anxious. Sometimes, they continue making advances until they wear you down because you don’t want to alienate them, given their appearance of being a friend. One woman shared with me, “I felt sorry for him” after her paramour wore down her resistance.

They take conversations into areas typically reserved for your spouse, assuming the role of your spouse in your head. While you know you’re not married to them, they inch their way into that role through conversation and topics.

Gifts and Seduction

If they purchase gifts for you, these will become increasingly personal. They might also use alcohol as part of their grooming and seduction. Once they have mentally and emotionally seduced you, the rest is mere follow-through for them. They know that you will turn off any defensiveness once you want them or enjoy being with them. Turning off your defenses and boundaries is much easier than working through them.

Another area where limits are tested is where and how you interact. Initially, you’ll meet in public places. Once you’re comfortable, they may shift meetings to private or secluded places or late at night. With increasing frequency, it will be just you and them. In such circumstances, it’s often only a matter of time before they wear you down. To head things off, start by being aware. Be sensitive to boundaries and maintain them—physical, conversational, and emotional. Be wary of where you meet and the circumstances. These steps will make all the difference and end the exploitation.

Healing After Being Groomed

If you fell for being groomed to cheat, all is not lost. Your marriage can be healed, and there are ways to start turning your relationship around. Have you been through an affair? The pain of betrayal is overwhelming. You may feel like your world has come to a crashing halt and that there’s no way out. It’s hard to imagine how you can ever trust or love again. But it doesn’t have to be this way! There are ways for you and your spouse to heal together, restore intimacy, rebuild trust, and grow stronger than before.

We want to help you get past the affair crisis so you can move on with life as a happy couple once more! This video training, "Getting You Past the Affair Crisis," will guide you through the early days after discovering the affair. It helps you through the shock and adjustment while giving hope for what lies ahead if both spouses work together on their marriage.

Reflection Questions

1. How can you recognize the signs of being groomed for an affair by your spouse or someone else?
2. What are some effective strategies to maintain boundaries and prevent being groomed for an affair?
3. How can couples work together to rebuild trust and intimacy after an affair has occurred?
4. What role does communication play in preventing and recovering from an affair?
5. How can individuals heal from the emotional trauma caused by being groomed and cheated on?

Best Regards,
Jeff