Are You Being Groomed to Cheat?

Although movies and popular media often portray affairs as products of ‘happenstance,’ the reality is very different. Some researchers have found that as many as 75% of affairs are premeditated and planned. In other words, they were not an “accident.”

Before any cheating occurs, there’s the obsessing, plotting, and planning that go into an affair long before it happens. One form of plotting and planning is ‘grooming’. When the cheater begins grooming others, it is noticeable. What is often not so noticeable is when a cheater is grooming you.

The Subtle Art of Grooming

One of the more common ways a cheater grooms you is through friendship. This approach allows them to gather information on your marriage and yourself without raising too many alarms. It also gives them access to you when they need something—like an alibi or someone to discuss the affair with.

Grooming you to cheat can happen in a couple of ways: when your spouse wants you to cheat or when a cheater is preparing you as a victim of their cheating. In either case, you’re being exploited.

Subtle Signs of Grooming

The following are some of the more subtle ways that cheaters groom you for cheating:

1. Softening You Up: In the case of your spouse, the grooming often starts with them ‘softening’ you up with talk about affairs. They may expose you to a plethora of movies about affairs, increase your alcohol intake, and increase their talk about affairs. When they discuss affairs, it's often about the benefits—how it will improve your marriage or make them happy.
2. Improving Your Appearance: Grooming often includes improving your appearance and dress. While it may seem like they just want you to look better, their ulterior motive is more sinister. Eventually, the emphasis on looking better shifts into dressing with greater sex appeal.
3. Giving Attention and Gifts: When someone other than your spouse is grooming you for an affair, it often starts with giving you attention. They will talk to you, be pleasant, and may even go out of their way to be nice and compliment you. This grooming may also include gifts or thoughtful gestures to build rapport.
4. Testing Limits: Once they have developed some rapport, the potential cheater often starts testing limits in conversation and physical contact. They will gain access to your personal space, starting with touching your hair and progressing to more personal areas. Their goal is to get into your personal space without making you anxious.
5. Personal Space: The distance between you is important. Think about the difference in having someone stand a foot away from you, as opposed to six inches or less. When they are able to touch your body or hair, you’ve crossed into their comfort zone and further down the path of grooming for an affair.

Preventing Grooming

To prevent being groomed, start by being aware and maintaining boundaries—physical, conversational, and emotional. Be wary of where you meet and the circumstances. These steps can make all the difference and stop those exploiting you.

What to Do If You’ve Been Groomed

If you fell for being groomed to cheat, all is not lost. Your marriage can be healed. There are steps to start turning your relationship around.

Have you been through an affair? The pain of betrayal is overwhelming. You may feel like your world has come to a crashing halt and that there’s no way out. It’s hard to imagine how you can ever trust or love again. But it doesn’t have to be this way! There are ways for you and your spouse to heal together, restore intimacy, rebuild trust, and grow stronger than before.

We want to help you get past the affair crisis so that you can move on with life as a happy couple once more! This video training, "Getting You Past the Affair Crisis," will guide you in the early days soon after discovering the affair. It helps you through the shock and adjustment while giving hope for what lies ahead if both spouses work together on their marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff