How does being cheated on change you?

Recently the question was posed to me “How does being cheated on change you?” The person asking the question has the insight of realizing that being cheated on changes you. When you start accepting that being cheated on changes you, it awakens some new realizations.

The first realization is that life is no longer the same. Cheating is not something that can be ignored as if nothing happened. Something occurred that changed the nature of you and your marriage. Cheating is not a business-as-usual phenomenon. The cheating and its effects can not be hidden. Sure, you may buy some time, but it changes you and your marriage.

In terms of the changes it brings, there are many.

First, it damages the trust that you once had in your relationship. Whatever security you developed in trusting your spouse and your marriage, it is now gone. You may rest in some of the aftereffects of it, yet the reality is that trust no longer exists. The person who you once relied upon can no longer be considered dependable in this area.

Second, the affair changes how you view yourself. Whatever security and stability you had is shaken. Your sense of identity that was wrapped up in your marriage is gone. You may still be known as Mr. or Mrs. Green, yet the meaning of that title has been damaged. The title no longer means what it once did. The change in your identity may have not been intended by the cheater, but this is part of the damage created by infidelity.

Third, you lose some of your confidence. With the affair, you were rejected sexually. This carries a special pain with it. Since sex is such a personal matter, sexual rejection creates personal wounding. Your person has been damaged. You may heal, but the scar from such a wound is deep. Those kinds of deep wounds stir up intense emotions at a level you can’t ignore.

Fourth, it changes the dynamics of your marriage relationship. The way the two of you talked and interacted with each other is transformed. Your inner world no longer consists of you and your spouse. Now, you have to include an outsider. Just the presence of an alien in your relationship alters how to think of and talk with your spouse.

Although the list of changes goes on, the more important question is, 

“What are you going to do about it?” 

This is where you need to consider your next step. This is where the book Healing After Infidelity comes in. There are things you can do to rebuild your identity, your heart and your mind. The book guides you through this process.