Living With the Affair Fog: Coping Strategies and Recovery Tips

I began my blog in 2007, addressing issues related to affairs and recovering from them. In the past 17 years of keeping it up, I’ve seen the topics of interest change, like fashion. Seeing how the interests of readers change tells me that where you hurt and focus changes as well.

One topic that continues generating interest is that of dealing with what I call, ‘the Affair Fog.’ The Affair Fog refers to the cheater being in that ‘out of it’ state of functioning, where they are with you physically but not emotionally. There’s a detachment at those times. It is the phenomenon of trying to have a conversation with someone who would rather be doing something else. You are not present to them.

Understanding the Affair Fog

I find it’s like trying to talk to someone who has been stoned and is now just coming down. It’s not that they don’t hear you, but they aren’t listening or attending to you.

Much like a fog obscures vision and makes it hard to see, the Affair Fog obscures where their heart is, and it’s unclear what their mental focus is on.

Some cheaters can be in the affair fog a lot. Others are out of it for shorter periods, but even if it’s just for a few minutes, you know that there is something wrong with them. That’s because when they’re in this state, almost everything about them has changed since you’ve known them.

How Long Does the Affair Fog Last?

There are questions about how to get your spouse out of it and how long the affair fog lasts. The focus is on getting the cheater out of it and shaking them back to reality. I understand how you expect some quick way of doing this. Far too many people believe that some revelation or confrontation will end in the cheater getting out of it and coming back.

This is despite what they are experiencing being a real-life event to deal with, not just something you can talk them into feeling different about. Or as if all their problems will be over with a few choice words.

The Instant Solution Myth

Given that we live in an instant-oriented society, it seems natural that there is something that can be done to “Zap” them out of it. I’ve addressed those aspects of the affair fog in some of my earlier posts on the subject. One aspect of the affair fog that I haven’t addressed is living with the affair fog until it ends.

Coping with the Affair Fog

It’s natural to be concerned about your spouse, yet my concern today is about you and how you are dealing with the fog. Since there’s no instant ‘zap’ for it, have you considered how you’re going to deal with it?

How you handle the affair fog is important as well. If you handle it like a drunken stupor and berate them for being in that state, you can end up prolonging it. You can’t get them out of it with your own state.

If you handle the affair fog in a reasonable and balanced way, they’ll come back to you quicker than if you’re acting like someone who has never dealt with hurt before. When you make their life a living hell, you’re pushing them deeper into it. Dealing with someone in the fog is frustrating.

Managing Your Frustrations

When frustrations build up, where are you going to express yourself? Do you plan on keeping those frustrations inside? If so, the longer you keep them inside, the more damage they do to you.

Let me encourage you to share your comments and observations in the blog posts. This is a place where you can vent your frustrations with others who understand and get what you’re experiencing. When you share with others going through similar issues, you don’t have to explain yourself or the terms used to describe what happened.

Explaining things like the “Affair Fog,” D-Day, affair trauma, or an affair recovery timeline to those who aren’t part of the problem or solution only invites future problems. They may provide support yet end up resenting the betrayer simply because you do. They literally ‘take up your offense’ as their own.

Seeking Support

In going through affair recovery, there are places and support groups designed to help you during this time when you are carrying a heavy burden. Use the tools in front of you.

Are you struggling with your marriage after an affair? The Affair Recovery Workshop is a complete affair recovery program that guides you through what to do, how to talk to each other, what to talk about, and how to move past their defensiveness. It also provides direction in rekindling intimacy and breaking old patterns associated with the affair.

You deserve better than this! Get started today on healing your relationship by downloading the Affair Recovery Workshop now.

Reflection Questions

1. How does the affair fog affect the emotional connection in a relationship?
2. What are some effective ways to cope with the frustrations of living with the affair fog?
3. How can support groups and sharing with others help in managing the affair fog?
4. Why is it important to manage your own reactions while dealing with a partner in the affair fog?