The place to start the forgiveness process when dealing with cheating is with you. Yes, ask for forgiveness for what you have done or haven’t done. In reacting to the cheating, there have been times that your anger and your attitude have gotten in the way. You may have justified it by citing how big an offense the cheater has compared to yours. It is true that what they did is a major offense, but it is not the only offense in the drama that unfolded.
Make sure that you are right with God and your spouse before you start trying to forgive or not forgive others. When it comes to relationships, even little offenses build up resentments. It is also about attitude. When you start with yourself, you can have a clear, clean attitude. It allows you to see the big picture. This is important when you deal with understanding the cheater. By not making sure that you are in ‘right standing’ (i.e. forgiven) yourself, you will see matters objectively. When you start somewhere else, there will be distortions and blind spots in your ‘big picture’.
By asking forgiveness for what you have done, you are not assuming the blame for the affair. You did not make them do what they did. They made that choice. You are clearing the air about what part you played in the whole matter. It will clear your own conscience, which is important before you try to deal with the whole swamp surrounding the affair. Jumping into the affair swamp without a clear conscience makes for an even bigger mess that would compare with the world’s largest swamp in Bangladesh.
For more insights and direction on forgiveness, my e-book “Surviving Your Partners Affair” addresses the matter in greater detail. My webinar “Sure Fire Secrets to Restoring Your Marriage After an Affair” addresses the specific sequence of steps(i.e. what to do first, second, etc.) to take in overcoming the affair. You may doing the right things in the wrong order, as we have seen today with forgiveness.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
