After an affair you often find yourself second guessing many things. You look for signs and indicators that an affair was going to happen. Sadly, many of these signals are clear on the backside but not so apparent on the front end.
If you’d been aware of them on the front end, then you are faced with the question, “What would you have done differently?”
In an effort to head off affairs, I have assembled a list of red flag items. No single one of them means that there will be an affair, yet if there is a pattern of red flags, you need to prepare yourself for possible trouble ahead.
1. You and your spouse maintain separate bank accounts. Money is often a good indicator of trust. When the two of you do not trust each other with money, it is likely that the trust issues will spread to other areas.
2. Your spouse insists on keeping their hyphenated name. Hyphenated names often suggest that your spouse is more committed to another identity rather than one the two of you share.
To me, it’s a sign of half commitment. Marriage is an institution requiring 100% commitment. It amounts to a team member wearing the uniform of another team.
3. Requiring that you sign a pre-nuptial agreement. This often occurs with monied families. I understand that the families often wish to protect their assets from lawyers and gold diggers.
Having to sign legal agreements prior to marriage creates a more business arrangement rather than the two of you entering the institution of marriage together.
4. Keeping old flames, former lovers and people they used to date on their social networks. In previous generations, the equivalent was keeping one’s black book after being married. Social networks are often today’s little black books for spouses who want to have ‘back-up plans’.
5. Flirtatious touching. When a spouse flirts a lot, it’s a flashing yellow warning light. When the flirting takes on a sexual tone or involves touching, it is a red flag.
It’s not that your spouse or you meant anything by it, yet the recipient can take such actions the wrong way. Recall that all seduction occurs with the eyes and verbal exchanges before the fondling starts.
6. Heavy drug or alcohol use. When your spouse uses drugs or alcohol heavily, there is a heightened risk of an affair happening. This is true whether the heavy use is for medical or recreational reasons.
It may not be that your spouse initiates the affair, others could be taking advantage of them.
7. Your spouse is reckless with their boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex. When a spouse recklessly dines, socializes and meets with members without regard to protecting boundaries, there are problems in the making.
They may not be having an affair, yet their reckless behavior makes them vulnerable to any accusations of an affair. There are times when the accusation does as much damage as an actual affair.
This recklessness may also show up in terms of routinely dressing seductively or sensually when meeting with the opposite sex as well. Dress often sends signals to others as to how they wish to be treated. Those they are meeting with may read those signals in a way that your spouse never intended.
The recklessness also includes a poor sense of boundaries when it comes to conversation. It may surprise you, but many people do not know what ‘appropriate’ topics are for social exchanges and what the boundaries are that they need to live within.
When some spouses get into what they are talking about, they start discussing topics that are not appropriate for their situation. So to recap recklessness with boundaries. This includes relational boundaries, dress, jokes and topics of conversation.
These are some of the red flags that I have seen over the years. These are some of the signals that send out warning signals when they come into the counseling office.
There are others as well, yet these are some of the repeat items that many people often overlook or dismiss. When it comes to affairs, I do not dismiss the little things, since they often reveal where a person’s heart is really at.
How many of these have you seen in your marriage?
If you’ve seen them, you’re already in danger. The downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you in turning your marriage around. You can transform your marriage and the communication in it by putting into practice the principles presented.
Best Regards,
Jeff
