Guilt is problematic. Although you’re surrounded by media proclaiming that you don’t have to feel guilty about anything you do, the reality is that you do feel guilty and want to know what to do about it.
There are several things that you need to know about guilt. The first is that many people are confused about what guilt is.
Do you know what guilt is?
If you don’t, it’s no wonder that you don’t know how to deal with it.
According to Freud, guilt comes from when you fear a loss of social esteem, often from situations when what’s driving you causes you to do something other than the accepted norm. He went on to note that this kind of guilt comes from even wanting to do something that is against the accepted standards.
So a person may experience guilt, yet have done nothing wrong in terms of the law or Biblical standards. They merely went against what the ‘accepted’ behaviors are.
In this view, you can experience guilt from just wanting to do something ‘out of the ordinary’ whether or not you did anything. The guilt comes from violating the social norm.
There were other writers who addressed guilt as well. Alfred Adler considers guilt as the reaction that comes from a refusal to accept one’s inferiority.
So in the case of affairs, the guilt you experience is not from doing something wrong, but instead from your own inferiority. You failed as a husband or wife and the amount of your inability to accept that failure is what you experience as guilt.
In terms of Biblical perspectives, first, true guilt needs separation from ”false guilt. These are two distinct ideas that create problems when confused.
True guilt comes from violations of the standards identified in Scripture. When you violate those standards, you are ‘guilty’ or transgressions, much like a criminal violates the laws of their community.The standards may be laws, judgements or statutes. Each of these has subtle differences and distinctions.
Put simply, it’s a matter of whether you violated the law or didn’t violate the law. True guilt is about whether or not you crossed the line and violated the laws. The word ‘condemnation‘ is associated with this type of guilt.
False guilt concerns the feelings of pain and rejection inflicted on yourself. The source of these uncomfortable feelings may be self-inflicted or placed on you by others.
These feelings are destructive when allowed to remain. The false guilt destroys your self-esteem and surrounds your life with fears. When you are surrounded with self-doubt and fears, it paralyzes you.
This false guilt is a powerful motivator for good or bad. This type of guilt is often what people refer to when they say they feel ‘guilty’.
This type is often termed ‘conviction‘. Those experiencing it feel that an accusatory finger is pointed at them, whether or not they have done anything wrong.
Churches, social justice warriors and politicians often use this second type of guilt for motivation. They know the power of guilt in motivating people to action. All it takes is arousing emotions and then throw in a question of guilt.
You may experience this sensation without a clear idea of what they did wrong or even if what they did was wrong. The arousal of emotion with the question of guilt is enough to trigger you.
This is one reason police officers can exploit their position when they pull you over. They know you feel guilty and in some cases, they use that in manipulation you to pleading guilty.
So, as you can see, there are many ways of looking at guilt, along with possible sources of it. With so many views of guilt, it’s no wonder your confused when it comes to guilt.
It is also no wonder that with so many ways of dealing with guilt, you may be choosing the wrong solution for the type of guilt your dealing with.
It is important to choose the best kind of intervention for the type of guilt that you are experiencing. Choosing the wrong intervention leads to increased guilt for having failed in reducing guilt.
It’s also important that you and your spouse share the same views on guilt. When the two of you discuss guilt, it could be that the cheater doesn’t feel guilt based on what their basis of guilt is. When the two of you don’t share the same ideas on guilt, it’s no wonder that one of you feels guilty and the other doesn’t.
It’s also possible for one spouse to carry all the guilt for both spouses. Although technically one spouse may not have done anything wrong, after years of marriage the two of you act as a unified being.
If you feel guilt and your spouse doesn’t, even when you’ve done nothing wrong, it could be a sign that they are doing something that would bother you and you’re sensing it.
In the downloadable program, “Affair Recovery Workshop” one of the topics covered is guilt, where I go into greater detail. Guilt interferes with communication and also reduces intimacy.
If you are looking for ways of removing the guilt from your relationships, learn the skills in the Affair Recovery Workshop and start making changes today.
Best Regards,
Jeff
