Have you ever considered the which comes first, ending the affair or repentance? When you are hurting, you probably don’t pay much attention to the sequence of things, you just know they need to be done.
You know that the affair must end and that repentance is also needed.
If you’re the cheater, deciding which comes first can be perplexing. If you end the affair, you cut yourself off from support. Cutting yourself off from the paramour while things are still tense with your spouse is a predicament. This situation can be scary and insecure if you are a person who likes to play it safe.
If you are always wanting assurance that there is a back-up plan, you want to make sure you have at least one relationship before ending the other one. Although you have the assurance of at least one relationship, is this the best course of action?
One of the areas where I gained insight into this matter was through cooking. In a cooking class my wife and I took, the chef emphasized that there are always mistakes in cooking. What makes the difference is how you recover from them.
I can’t tell you how many meals I potentially ruined, yet managed recovering from. Knowing how to recover from kitchen mistakes is invaluable. Although mastering recovery works in many areas, there are some where it does not work.
One of those is when it comes to doing the right things in the right order. This is especially true in baking. Making mistakes in the order of ingredients is not something you can recover from.
In marriage relationships, it is also important to do the right things in the right order, especially when it comes to affairs. When you rush things, it may look like you recovered, but over time, your mistakes will show through.
When it comes to the question of which comes first, ending the affair or repentance, the wrong choice can either break your marriage, put the two of you into a break-up to make up cycle or even pave the way for a relapse. All of the potential outcomes suck.
When it comes to the question of sequence as to ending the affair or repentance, doing them in the right order matters.
The first thing to do is end the affair.
Once the affair is ended, repentance can begin. (This is also why I emphasize doing things in the correct sequence in the Affair Recovery Workshop. The sequence does make a difference.)
In fact, it may take some time before repentance comes. The reason it takes some time is that it takes time for the resolute spouse to feel safe and time for the cheater to honestly accept responsibility for their actions.
One of the points I emphasize in the workshop is the need for safety. One reason for this is because it is only when people feel safe that they take risks and are open to repenting.
If you know you’re going to be reamed out or attacked, the likelihood you’ll repent is low. When you feel safe, there is a greater likelihood you’ll mean it when you repent.
Doing things out of order may give you as the cheater some added safety, but it make the repentance false. How can you say you ‘repent’ or regret what you have done, when you are still doing it?
Although the risk is higher in ending the affair first, it is a necessary risk. Doing it in the wrong order may look like recovery, yet taking short cuts will create a mistake that you will not be able to recover from.
I want your recovery from an affair to be the best it can be. Doing things in the right order is part of that, including the question of which comes first, “ending the affair or repentance ?”.
If you want more help, check out the recovery resources page.
Best Regards,
Jeff
