Dana cried out in frustrated anguish “Why won’t he tell me the truth?” During the therapy session she had poured out her pain and frustration about her husband’s affair. Her emotional discomfort was overwhelming her.
Her anguish was intense enough to where I squirmed with discomfort at being in the same room with her. “I just want the truth.”
I responded, “The truth about the affair, or why he won’t tell you the truth?”
Dana raised her head with a puzzled look. “Wat do you mean?”
“Which truth are you wanting?”
“Aren’t they the same?” she queried.
Dana didn’t realize that ‘the truth about the affair’ and ‘her husband’s reason for not telling her’ were two separate issues.
You, like Dana will likely face a similar decision point. Which issue are you wanting the truth for? One focuses on the past, and the other on the present relationship. Making the wrong choice means you may never find out the answer to the other question and that communication remains hindered.
Choosing correctly opens up new ways of connecting with your spouse. When there is open communication, the other issue begins working itself out.
In the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop‘ the issue that keeps spouses from opening up is covered in depth, along with ways of changing that pattern. You need your spouse and they need you.
Squeezing the affair issue the wrong way may give you the juice you want, yet end up pushing your spouse away or shutting them down for a long period of time. You may even be sentencing them to a miniature solitary confinement of shame which can linger for years.
There is a time and place for shame and honesty. There is also a time for safety, which is often neglected. Dealing with these issues in the wrong order means dragging the recovery from the affair out even longer.
The bottom line is this. People open up when they feel safe. Dana’s husband didn’t open up to her and ‘tell her the truth’ because he didn’t feel safe. Dana was not ready to hear that truth.
She was so focused on the events of the affair that she didn’t see how unsafe their home became. She didn’t see how threatening and demanding she had become. her own victimhood blinded her to the hostility that now surrounded.
You do have a right to know about what happened. You also have a choice as to whether your rights are worth seeking at the expense of alienating your spouse. They alienated you with the affair. In your pursuit of truth, you now face a similar dynamic. Are you going to put your own interests ahead of your marriage?
Best Regards,
Jeff
