One of the things I enjoy doing on vacations is visiting historic sites, especially old battlefields. Each one has a different ‘feel’ and different lessons they teach.
One that caught my attention when visiting France was a World War I battlefield known locally as ‘the Mountain that ate men’. Although now its location in the heights of the Vosges adds a pastoral serenity to it, what happened there was far from serene.
In the nearby village of Uffholtz, where my wife’s family came from, only two structures survived the war intact. Every family and every nearby structure was touched by that war.
Locals are still finding weapons and artifacts from the battle in the surrounding countryside from a battle that happened almost 100 years before.
The pictures from the time of the battle reveal a land ravaged by war. Craters from the artillery shells and trenches criss-crossing the mountain side reveal a dark history and desperate struggle.
Walking through the old trenches I considered what lessons I can take away. This place showed the savagery of human struggles and how bad things can get.
Two sides slugging out their differences with every weapon imaginable. Poison gas, artillery, rifles, flame throwers and eventually fighting hand-to-hand. You may that sounds like some couples.
The fallout from affairs also has a way of bringing out savagery in you. You were hurt in a personal way, the feelings are intense and the struggle is real. You may have even resorted to the hand-to-hand struggles yourself. There may be slapping and choking in your own hand-to-hand combat.
The impact of the affair touches everyone in your circle of family and friends. Few people will be left untouched by what happened.
Arguing over versions of the affair often leads to ‘entrenchment’. Each of you digs into your position and try establishing intimacy on your own terms. Having visited those entrenchments, in most cases they became a grave rather than a place of protection.
You can also develop a trench mindset when you obsess on your story to the point you can’t hear the other person. You have dug a mental trench where you mentally paced back and forth to the point that you become trapped.
The irony of soldiers laboring in creating what they think will protect them, realize too late, it was actually the grave for 30,000 of them.
Those men who thought the trench would protect them often died there. Many couples entrenched and unflinching in their positions often see their marriage die in front of them, while defending their own viewpoint.
Neither side won battles by staying in their trenches in the Vosges, and neither side will win doing the same thing in your homes.
That’s where my product, the Affair Recovery Workshop comes in. It shows you ways of dealing with the hurts, starting conversation and restoring intimacy. You don’t have to stay entrenched in your struggle.
Best Regards,
Jeff
