Your cheating affects others. You have managed to swear people to secrecy who know about your lover, keeping your secret to a small circle. Although few people know your lover, the signs that you are having an affair make it impossible to hide. You may have hid who they are, yet the signs of your cheating are everywhere.
You have managed to distract many people from the real truth, including yourself.
Your family, friends and associates all know something is wrong but they can’t put their finger on it. You hide the secret behind your smile, having your kids at church camp, sending them to the grand parents and all the basic ‘good mother’ things. You have maintained the image of the good mother, even to the point of believing it yourself. You control others with your secrets and now your secrets control you.
The kids all know about your lover. Your child’s recent behavior problems have been misdiagnosed. You tell the world that he has learning problems or that there are just behavior problems in the classroom. That way you can play the role of a suffering martyr, which is another one of your secrets. You play the poor suffering mother, when the reality is you are a conniving self-serving women bent on having your lover, even at the expense of your children. You hide the real reason for their misbehavior. You allow people to draw wrong conclusions, when the real problem their reacting to is your lover, your secrets and your lies.
Please wake up from your secrets before more lives have to be destroyed.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
It appears I am also part of the secret. She wants me to “act” like everything is alright. She wants me to put on my “happy face” and pretend everything is ok. Her rationalizationfor this is twofold, this too shall padd and this is our private issue and it needs to stay private. HA! I know, she knows, the OP knows, the kids susspect as she takes them to the OP place of business and my little man comes home and says, “that man was flirting with mommy” My mother in law suspects as she called me.
Part of me wants to blow the whole thing up. Slap her with a dose of reality. Guess what, I am not playing your game any longer. I will tell the truth if your mom asks me again and we should tell the kids something, shouldnt we? They know something is afoot.
She is addicited to this guy. She drives 28 miles round trip 3-4 days a week t ospend 4-6 hours in his place of business. Then she comes home is nose deep in her facebook page and her secret email accounts. Maybe she does some laundry, maybe she helps the kids with homework, maybe she fixes dinner, maybe she talks to me for 5 min, then back to the computer and her secret chat program with him.
At this point if i rock the boat i am afraid she will be gone for good. Perhaps 40 days in the desert will snap her out of it?
I admited to my part, and took responsibility for that. She has not taken responsibility nor even used the word affair. She is updating her resume now and looking for job which might be a good thing to get her mind off of him. It fels like I am “trying out” for the team again.
The thing that upsets me and gets me angry is that I STILL love her. How twisted is that? I still choose her! I must be off my rocker.
All because she admitted her inability to comminicate got us here. Well then communicate for GODS sake, with me! But no, she doesnt do that at all. Kind of feel sad for her actually. ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Scott,
Thank you for your contribution. I apologize for taking so long to respond. I was out of town. You are definitely being controlled by secrets. Continuing to put up with it will only prolong the pain. Confronting it has risks. She will be angry at being exposed. People often react with anger at being exposed and forced to face the truth. Apparently she is more scared of her mother’s disapproval than yours. Playing the ‘happy face’ game is not in your best interest. The truth needs to be presented in a loving manner.
When you said you feel like you are trying out for the team, “you are”. You are once again having to compete for your wife’s attention. Although you have many advantages, it does not mean that are an automatic win. You will want to continue loving her and providing for her needs better than anyone else can. She has ‘gunny sacked’ many of her hurts (the 40th birthday, wedding reception, etc.) in order to play the victim role. She is using those incidents in order to ‘justify’ her actions. That is critical for her to maintain, since she does have a conscience (as evidenced by “I know what I am doing is wrong” statement). She is a person who keeps grudges because they may come in useful at a later occasion. She is essentially redeeming her grudges for the affair. It is a rotten bargain, but I do not think she is able to see or is willing to acknowledge that at this point.
Using the ‘why?’ question always has limited usefulness. It sounds like you are discovering that.
She definitely needs a dose of reality. The challenge is doing it out of love. When you do it out of revenge or anger, she will react to that anger or revenge. Attitude is critical in how you confront her and bring on the reality. In some ways, she may be making you pay for how she felt for several years. You may want to ask her that and let her know how terrible that pain is to endure’.
Breaking the bondage of secrets is not easy. The energy tied up in the secret can become explosive. Once the fireworks are over, then you can begin working on things together. When the fireworks happen, do not take it personally. She will say things to try and provoke you. You may need to keep telling yourself that this reaction is her reaction to being exposed more than bailing on the marriage. She may attack you as the messenger of ‘reality’.