The damage inflicted on your marriage by cheating may be more extensive than you first assumed. You may have taken steps to remove the lover from your lives, talked about the affair and begun the process of healing. Those are all part of a good start.
The damage that is often not seen, is that of ‘twisted thinking’. In order to justify the affair, the cheater has to perform some mental gymnastics. These gymnastics often lead to twisted thinking that lasts long after the affair has ended. By twisted thinking I am referring to “I did not tell you the truth because it would hurt you” or “I love you too much to want to hurt you” or some variation like that. The twisting often involves pain, avoidance and secrecy. These three things are often so mashed together it is hard to tell where one stops and the other begins. When they are so confused even a simple statement like “I love you” becomes confused. Does it mean that they care about you? they are committed to you? that they want to avoid hurting you? or that they are keeping a secret and are hoping you won’t find out? When you are being told “I love you” it suddenly becomes a multiple choice guessing game as to what the cheater really means.
Such twisted thinking will take time to unwind. They will need to discuss how they think, how they made the choices that they did. It is only when their thinking process is out in the open and being discussed that they will even become aware of the twists in their thinking. They have grown used to it. They may even see it as ‘normal’. They do not realize how the cheating twisted their brain and their heart.
For more on surviving your partners affair, consider purchasing the e-book “Surviving Your Partner’s Affair”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
