You are familiar with the term “trigger happy”. In such cases, those persons enjoy pulling the trigger of a tool or object.
In a similar manner, you may be one of those who are trigger unhappy. The pulling of the trigger makes you unhappy, yet you continue doing it. Rather than the trigger being one associated with a tool, in the case of an affair, it’s memories and recollections of painful events.
Each time you pull the trigger (or replay) the events, you experience the pain all over again. The pain is just as fresh and cutting as the first time you experienced it.
You may even want to consider the cheater as only interested in their own pleasure, as you mirror their pattern but instead, reach for the displeasure. The payoffs are different, yet the dynamics of triggers setting off a series of emotional events is the same.
Instead of chasing after the thrill of an affair, you may surround yourself with self-pity and misery of replaying rejection and pain so that you can avoid facing something that you have been avoiding.
When you’re hurting, you feel that you don’t have to be responsible. It gives you an excuse for not facing unpleasant things.
While in that pain, thoughts of self-harm and hurt come. At that point, you start looking at events in terms of what will get you out of the pain, rather than whether it’s good for you.
Hey, its a new year. Take this as a a time to face your fears rather than run from them. Overcome the pity parties rather than sink into them.
Instead of setting off some trigger unhappiness, ask yourself what good it will do and what are you avoiding. Deal with the answers you come up with.
If you are wanting to know more about triggers, they are covered in my video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”. Triggers are an issue for both the cheater and the betrayed. You can have access to this video and others by joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
This really struck me today – I feel so trigger driven since the week or so before Christmas. I have tried to think of what I am avoiding and all I come up with is the idea that I am avoiding more hurt and pain and yet the triggers bring just that. What a catch-22! I always know it is not positive for me to wallow however, I haven’t figured out how to rebuild my shattered self.
Diane,
Thanks for your comment. The holidays and triggers often go hand in hand. You have correctly identified the pattern of how using triggers to avoid creates more triggers. In many ways, it is a Catch-22. Rebuilding your shattered self often requires that you face the pain behind the triggers and identify what it is telling you.
For example, is the pain telling you that you do not like being alone? Is it telling you that betrayal is an especially difficult issue for you to face? Is it telling you that you have been avoiding facing the issues for too long? Pain is often a signal that something needs attention. The challenge is deciphering what that pain is telling us. Many times our fears of the pain are worse than facing the source of the pain itself. Each time we run from the pain, it strengthens and grows.
When the pain becomes too large, running from it can become a way of life.
Rebuilding your shattered self is indeed painful. It also provides an opportunity to redefine and re-engineer many things about yourself. It makes you aware of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities. The affair did not create those, it merely exposed what was already there.
You may not be cancel the trigger, right now, but you can begin re-directing them.