A commonly heard phrase during the aftermath of an affair is “…but I love them!” This phrase is used to justify and excuse many behaviors. You may find yourself doing many things in the name of love or under the excuse of love. When you say that have you considered what it means to you. Does it mean that you will go to any lengths to get them back? Does it mean that you overlook all that they did? Does it mean that you want them to be happy? Does it mean that you want what is best for them? Does it mean that you want to hold them accountable to their responsibilities as a spouse and parent? Some of these meanings are exclusive of the others. Although it sounds odd, you will need a clear idea of what you mean by ‘love’ and how far it goes.
Can you love them if they are wrong? Can you live with them when they are wrong? How much should you hold them accountable for? Can you love them like you want to be loved. Love is not always perfume, candles and flowers. There are many times that it is a struggle to be near them, to want them to be their best, to tell them NO. Loving the cheater will test you to find out if your love is a selfish love or a self-less love. You will learn about yourself as you find out about them. Many times your love will be unrequited.
You will discover if your love is more of a feeling or an act of your will. When you said that you loved them, was that a statement of what you felt inside or a promise of commitment? I do not have the answers to all these questions, since each of you will have to do the soul searching to find the answer for yourself in this matter. Your spouse will know whether you love them by your actions and your attitude.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
3 Responses
Wow!!!
DrJeff,
This post is one of your most insightful and profound! I have been dealing with adultery & all the attached craziness for years.
I have read and re-read the ‘best of the best’ of counselors, both on-line and in books.
This is, in a nutshell, all of the most important points and questions covered in all the ‘stuff’ I have read! Just awesome how you worded it all in such few words.
This will give ‘food for thought’ to all of us who follow your blog.
After all, our Creator is the personification of LOVE. Therefore, the most fundamental truth for any and all of us to understand, in all of our relationships, is what true love really is……..
Love to all…………
Sherri,
I am touched by your kind words. It thrills me that you found it helpful and insightful. There are times that just finding the right or the simplest wording makes all the difference (like apples of gold in pictures of silver as we are told). It has taken years of experience to distill things down and realize how much more there is that I do not know.
DrJeff,
You are welcome!!!
Please, keep at it……It is helping more people in more ways than you will ever know.
And, l just read today’s post…..So true……it is not ‘politically correct’ to put blame where blame is due when it comes to the filth of cheating. Perhaps that is because far too many politicians (sp?) cheat…..
Please, do not ever become ‘politically correct’. Our Creator will boot you out!!!!!
Love to all……..