There are times when reflecting back on my grandmother that I recall phrases and expressions she used. On seeing or hearing something outrageous, she slowly shook her head from side to side while in a low voice saying “shame, shame”.
In previous generations, you’d do just about anything to avoid that type of censure.
Today, February 13 is known as “Mistress Day” since many cheaters indulge their mistresses today. Previous generations would’ve considered such behavior ‘shameful’. Fear of such shaming would keep them from indulging in such behavior.
These days, shame has been transformed into a tool of social control. Behaviors that should be considered shameful are now celebrated and any censure or action taken that speaks out against shameful behavior are either shamed or labeled as a ‘hater’. If you dare speak out against affairs or them being a sexual libertine, you are shamed for speaking out.
You may find yourself silenced by those “How dare you!” looks. In extreme cases, the one who should be ashamed is turned into a victim and by speaking out, you are turned into an abusive person. Things feel Topsy-turvy because they are.
The sad part of this transformation is that rather than shame constraining immoral behavior, it often ends up keeping the victims of such behavior from speaking out or seeking help. You may have found yourself either delaying or not seeking help based on shame-based constraints. It’s not that what you did was shameful, it’s that what happened was something that should have shame associated with it.
Somewhere along the way, things got twisted and became toxic. Those who should be ashamed are not and those who shouldn’t be ashamed struggle in moving past it. At that point, you end up taking on the burden of toxic shame.
If it seems like it makes no sense, that’s because all this is being driven by emotions instead of logic. If everyone was being logical, the whole affair things wouldn’t have likely happened. These days common sense is passé and emotional intelligence is in vogue. It’s more important for people to be sensitive to others feelings rather than doing what’s right. The old ideas of shame no longer keep improper behavior in check.
The good news is that you can escape the madness and crazy-making games going on. You can overcome the shame and powerlessness. I address these kind of issues in the video on Overcoming the Affair Crisis.
Change starts when you take the initiative to make things better.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
It often appears the cheater always has the upper hand. Society is on their poor sad selves side…. cheer on the person who committed the act because they are trying to make themselves better. The victim probably pushed them to cheat. It seldom is pointed out these individuals are self serving with no morals or character. They should be shamed for what they have done. But instead, their destructive behaviors seem to be celebrated.
David,
Your observations are a poignant and sad statement reflecting the state of modern society. The mindset of “It’s not my fault” runs rampant in today’s culture. That same mindset has to find a bad guy and many times, it blames the betrayed spouse, morals or the church for daring to speak out on such matters.
Not only is destructive behavior celebrated, they take pride in it, those who condemn it are condemned themselves. They only look at immediate gratification rather than what their behavior brings on themselves or their families. They ignore the long-term consequences.