Cheaters often make excuses for what they have done. There is often more hope for you with those who make excuses than those that don’t. In the case when excuses are being made, the cheater knows that what they are doing is wrong. They are doing mental and moral somersaults in order to make it ‘acceptable’ to themselves. As part of their efforts, they often redefine what is ‘acceptable’. Although they attempt keeping this redefinition to the affair, it is not limited to that area. They often start making ‘soft, easy choices’ in other areas of their lives as well, including ethics and money.
The rationalizing is done to avoid pain and guilt. Somehow when they can ‘excuse’ their actions, they do not feel so guilty. It takes a strong person to admit “I was wrong!” “What I did was wrong. What I did hurt you, me and our marriage.” Rather than make such an admission, they choose instead to rationalize it. They may still believe that ADULTERY is wrong, yet what they did somehow does not fit the definition they have. They are exceptions to the rule. Their exceptionalism is dangerous. It keeps them from seeing the danger they are dealing with. They may sincerely believe that they can magically escape the consequences of their actions.
Affairs often spread their effects faster than cancer. Like a cancer it not only spreads across their lives, it also sinks in deeper and deeper into their hearts. Their love grows even colder. They may understand sex, but they no longer understand love or compassion. They grow harder in their dealing with family. Even in the moments when they feel a tinge of guilt and seem to be growing in sensitivity, it is often driven by their own guilt, not out of concern for others. All of this is part of the rationalization process.
When addressed early, the effects are reversible. When the affair is allowed to continue, the damage goes deeper.
Rather than suffer through this, thinking you somehow deserve it or that you don’t deserve better, take action to improve your life and your relationship with the cheater.
For more about this, consider the e-book, Surviving Your Partner’s Affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
2 Responses
There needs to be more helpful articles for the cheater. My husband is having trouble finding answers and help. He read this and found it a bit helpful. It was along the same lines of a talk we’d had.
Knotit,
Thank you for your comment. I will make sure that my upcoming posts focus more on the cheater. Your input helps me know what the needs are.