Many times good intentions are used in hiding bad choices and priorities. Some cheaters started off with good intentions.
They never meant to hurt you or anyone else. They never meant for the affair to happen in the first place.
They may have actually thought that they were helping the person who became the lover. Whether the cheater is a pastor, doctor, nurse, counselor, teacher or other member of a helping profession, the story is all too familiar.
Rather than taking care of you and the family, they rush off to take care of others. When they’re faced with the choice of caring for others or their own family, they make the wrong choice of putting their family last.
They may rush off thinking that they’re taking care of a crisis or fixing a problem, when it turns into a set-up that leads to an affair. In situations, the lover has the advantage.
The lover uses the ‘good cause‘ and good intentions against you. If the lover came knocking on the door, they may be ignored. When they call ‘in crisis’, the cheater rushes out to meet them.
What makes it worse is that the cheater believe they are ‘doing a good thing‘. It’s no wonder that they are confused when an affair happens.
They don’t realize that their own good intentions are being used against them. They are being played in a sophisticated ‘guilt trip’ game and do not recognize what is going on.
Their good intentions blind them to their being used and played. Too many well-intentioned pastors have rushed off to see a sick member of their congregation rather than care for their own ill family members.
Their ministry/job/career/profession/calling keep them from seeing what is actually going on, until it is too late.
When your marriage has been damaged by good intentions and causes, it needs help. The download, “Affair Recovery Workshop‘ gives you the tools for healing. You can know what needs changing and how to start those changes.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
So true. She was the helpless employee who always had a crisis. At first he was busily sharing his frustrations about her ongoing crises but somehow turned into her rescuer. When I asked him to . op taking her grocery shopping he explained that he was doing his banking at the grocery store anyway. When I explained that she could take the bus to work he said that it was only a few miles out of the way. Then she moved within a mile of work and it was easy for him to pick her up. I could go on and on.
He never admitted to being involved with her. When I said to her one day that I wish she would stop spending so much time with him she replied to me that she didn’t want my husband. I was so perplexed and frustrated and hurting. She played him for his help and I was painted as the wife who just did not understand.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and he moved from our home. After six months he came back home. She still worked there ( his small business with her as the only employee) and had at least gotten a car and was not quite so dependent. We go on with our very busy lives. Ten years later he uncharacteristically comes home quite late. When confronted he finally admitted he had never stopped seeing her. She called him at least twice a week ( she had gotten a different job years earlier): and he went by her house when she needed help and to keep her company and to listen to her talk about whatever her current crisis was, and oh yeah, if she was drunk enough to have sex. Which he claims was maybe once or twice a year and that he wasn’t even very effective at having an affair. Well, it was hell for a while. But it’s been about two and a half years since d day. When he told her, at my insistence, that he would have to stop going by her place she sent an email to him that said to share it with me. Bottom line was that I just did not understand the specialness of their friendship. Of course their relationship did not unwind easily. He was such a sucker for her particular brand of helplessness. Finally a single friend of his started helping her out. They got into a relationship. When he caught them communicating about something small the friend threatened ( in a text message which I read) that he would make my husband’s life a living hell. And that is how the tie was finally broken.
The two of them dated for a year and got married a couple of months ago. Go figure.
Still married. But if I knew then what I know now I would have never let him come back home. I would have trusted my gut about the inappropriateness of their friendship and cut my losses early on . But there were children at home and bills to be paid and he did help with the bills. And if his attentions are not going elsewhere he can be a very nice guy. ( which is why she latched onto him in the first place).
Thanks for listening.
justme,
Thank you for sharing what happened to you. Many times your gut reaction is more accurate than what you are being told. Most people have ignored their gut reactions for so long, or they are so confused, they do not know who or what to trust.
Many bad relationships start with what appears to be ‘good intentions’. Cheaters will say it was good intentions, while their spouses recognize that they are putting themselves in dangerous situations that have a high risk of affairs. Due to the cheater believing in the good of their intentions, they often do not heed the warnings of their spouse.