When you are dealing with a sex addict, you are dealing with a game changer. Their brains and emotions operate differently than the brains and emotions of someone just having an affair.
What About Sexual Addiction and Affairs? <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. The topic we’re going to be dealing with today is what about sexual addiction in affairs.
Sexual addiction is something that I have seen more and more in the news, and there’s a growing tendency for more people to get involved with sexual addiction. Knowing whether or not you’re dealing with an affair or dealing with a sexual addiction is important. Because when you’re dealing with a sex addict you’re dealing with a game-changer.
Their brain and their emotions operate differently than the brain and the emotions of a person just having an affair. Some of the ways that they’re different, you’re going to be dealing with situations that are more extreme. Their moods, they go from one extreme to the other.
When I say go from one extreme to the other it is often a very radical extreme. On one hand they may be a very, or maintain an appearance, of a very moral, upstanding, church type person; and on the other hand when they are in their other mode they’re a raving sex maniac.
It’s very much like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde type of scenario where they go from one extreme to the other.
Because with them, the affair is about getting a fix. Much like a drug addict they’re going out there, they’re just looking for a place to get their fix. To get their high, so to speak.
With the sex addict, like with other addicts, you’re dealing with an addicted brain. And the addicted brain processes information differently than a non-addicted brain.
With a sex addict your main problem is the addiction, not the affair. I know some of you will be tempted to view the affair as the biggest thing. When you’re dealing with a sex addict you’re going to have to realize that the affair is more the symptom, the bigger problem is the sexual addiction that is going to need to be addressed.
Since we have a limited amount of time I’m not going to be able to go into massive detail about sexual addiction. You can find out more about that at some of the websites, or maybe some of the articles that I have on the this website, or at the Restore The Family website. Today I’m going to be giving you some of the basics, and if you apply these basics it will start you on your way.
The solution I’m going to be presenting today is to learn what you’re dealing with before fixing the wrong problem. Because if you’re assuming that your spouse is just having a normal affair, and they’re a sex addict, you may be fixing a problem but it’s the wrong problem. If you’re going to fix a problem make sure that you’ve got the right problem.
In terms of sexual addiction,
- Educate yourself on sexual addiction. This is one of those issues that you’re going to need to be well-versed on. Read books, attend meetings.
You can go to a Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) meeting, or a Sex and Love Addiction meeting, without having a problem yourself. Just going there, getting some of the material, is a way to educate yourself.
If your spouse is a sex addict, going to the meeting is important for you because you have been on the tip of the spear, or on the receiving end, of a lot of their sexual addictive behavior for awhile, and you need to know how to deal with it.
In terms of the books, I know that the groundbreaking book that started people dealing with a lot of sexual addiction was a book by a fellow by the name of Patrick Carnes called “Out Of The Shadows”. You may want to go ahead and familiarize yourself with that book, or other material by him, or some of the authors that are writing in the field.
2. You need to be willing to ask for help from others familiar with sexual addictions. Since with sexual addictions you’re dealing with a brain that is not processing information the way that you’re used to, you need to be talking to some of the people that are more familiar with sexual addiction, to know what you’re dealing with and how they look at things.
The more familiar you are the better. But the big thing is be willing to ask for help. Go to the experts. This is one of those that you can find yourself getting in way over your head very quickly, when you try to deal with sexual addiction yourself without asking for outside help.
For that reason, get help. Rather than drown when you are in over your head, ask for help.
3. Insist that the addict get help. Because many times you want to think because it’s your spouse, or mainly because they’re playing games with you, that they don’t need the help right now.
They’re going to try to do everything they can to avoid having to get the help. It’s going to be important that you insist that they get help, and they get it now.
They might not necessarily view what’s going on with them as a problem. A sex addict is going out and getting high, doing their thing, they may not feel a whole lot of discomfort with what they’re doing at this point.
For that reason, you have to be the one insisting that they get help, or that they go to meetings. But you’re not going to let them back in the house until they finally do something.
You’re dealing with a serious problem. Affairs are just one of the ways that sexual addiction can show up. There are other signs and symptoms, and that’s why learning what you’re dealing with can help you as you confront this issue.
Because this is one that is not going to go away on its own. Like some other disorders it is a progressive disorder that if you do nothing about it it’s going to continue to get worse.
You’re going to need to look at this seriously and realize what you’ve got on your hands. By educating yourself, asking for help from others, and insisting that the addict gets help, you will be taking the steps that you can take.
As you go through the literature you will find check lists on what type of behaviors make up a sexual addict. This will help you understand that it is that you are dealing with. If you have questions as to whether or not your spouse is a sex addict, or whether they’re just somebody who had an affair.
This is an issue, and a pertinent question, that you’re going to need to consider. If you know what’s normal for your marriage and what you feel comfortable with, and if things seem to be way out of whack, this is a question you may need to consider.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio thanking you for tuning in. I encourage, if you have further questions about affairs and sexual addiction, or have some specific areas concerning those matters, feel free to send me questions. Because I will be getting back to them.
Also, I encourage you to leave feedback on how the program’s going, how it’s helping your marriage, and also the podcast. I appreciate you tuning in and these are some things that you can start putting into place today to help you know how best to deal with the situation if you’ve got a sexual addiction that you’re dealing with.
Until next time, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. Goodbye.
