A reader asked the question “Is stalking okay in marriage?” This is a challenging question for several reasons.
One of the challenges is that the question hits on a foundational issue in your marriage relationship. That issue concerns whether or not spouses mutually belong to each other.
Although in your marriage vows, you give yourself to each other, the stalking question forces a deeper examination of how far you’re willing to give yourself to each other.
You find out how much of you belongs to your spouse and how much of your spouse belongs to you. Taking an honest look at this question brings discomfort.
You’ll also examine what areas are open for mutual submission and which are not. Is the mutual submission and belonging a matter of sex, time, property, spirituality or all the above?
Your view of how far the mutual submission goes will determine how you answer questions about stalking. If you belong to your spouse and your spouse belongs to you it will shape your answer.
If you believe that the submission is limited to what you feel comfortable sharing with each other, you will have a different answer. Your own personal conviction about how far you and your spouse belong to each other is foundational in answering the question.
In previous generations, the wife was technically and legally viewed as ‘property’ of the husband and the husband’s family. Such a view is considered harsh and dehumanizing by many modern thinkers.
The law recognized this viewpoint and contained protections for the wife so that she could be protected. Since we have an international audience, it’s important understanding that this view continues in some parts of the world.
In such a system, what others consider stalking, is considered a matter of protecting one’s property or security. Under such a system, wives are protecting the security of their position, while husband’s are protecting their property.
Some spouses are hyper vigilant in protecting against outside influences. This may show up in the form of closely scrutinizing any visitors or strangers.
This includes limiting access to modes of contact and transportation. Such a system works for some cultures while others consider such behavior as violations of freedom and the hypervigilance as ‘stalking’.
Although some of you view such a dynamic as being secure, others may view it as ‘suffocating’ or overly controlling. I would consider it a form of stalking, yet for some, this is the way of living life that they are used to. This may be the only way they know.
The bottom line is the behavior considered ‘stalking’ often varies from culture to culture. That changing definition makes nailing down specifically what behaviors are considered ‘stalking’ challenging.
Whether it is “okay” to do with your spouse, depends on how you and your spouse view the whole idea of mutual submission. If your spouse or legal authorities consider it stalking, then it’s stalking.
If the behavior is making your spouse feel uncomfortable, it is probably stalking and not okay. If you would have trouble explaining what you were doing to a judge, it is probably stalking.
Although you may be doing nothing illegal or morally wrong, if your spouse is uncomfortable with what you’re doing, then there are issues of trust, control and commitment that need to be dealt with.
Since marriage is about the two of you being united, any behaviors, attitudes and thoughts that do not help bring the two of you together are potentially dangerous. If your spouse and others consider what you are doing ‘stalking’ you may need to consider some other options.
When the marriage becomes more of a hunt, where stalking is involved, one of you has become the hunter and the other the hunted. This is not a healthy dynamic for a marriage.
It’s a dynamic suited more for predator and prey than for loving spouses.
Stalking is also a signal of damaged trust. If the trust is your marriage is damaged, the risk for stalking is greater. You can reduce that risk by rebuilding the trust.
The video, “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you through the rebuilding. You can once again have trust in your marriage rather than resorting to control through stalking.
Best Regards,
Jeff
