Bullies show up in every facet of live, including affairs. They try forcing you or your spouse into an affair. If not forcing the affair, they force acceptance of the affair.
Bullies use force, or threats of force by intimidating others into doing what they want.
Standing up to bullies <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here with me today. I want to welcome you to today’s session, which is standing up to bullies.
Bullies show up in almost every facet of life, including affairs. One of the trends that I have seen in keeping my finger on the pulse of affair related issues on the Internet, is the topic of bullies.
Bullies show up. Sometimes the lover’s the bully, sometimes it’s you who’s the bully. Sometimes there’s outside third party that are bullies. But they do show up. And they have to be dealt with. We’re going to be talking about standing up to bullies today.
Bullies and Force
Bullies oftentimes try forcing you or your spouse into an affair. Because some people, they’re not effective in terms of their seduction or talking you into an affair, so they resort to bullying.
They use threats, or maybe even blackmail. And if not forcing the affair, they may be forcing an acceptance of the affair. It’s already going on and they want you to tolerate it, accept it, put up with it, etc.
Bullies use force or threats to intimidate other people while doing what they want to do. That’s just what bullies do. They do not use negotiation.
When they do use negotiations it’s essentially to force you into a situation. They may look nice on the surface, but underneath it’s nothing more than just another one of their threats.
Another thing about bullies, they tend to be very quick to resort to name-calling, since threats, rather than persuasion, is their way of making things happen. When you stand up to them, many times they’re going to come back with all kinds of name-calling, all kinds of cursing, all kinds of accusation. And you wonder where did that come from? Well, part of it’s because they’re a bully.
Secret Bullies
Sometimes you encounter people that are very nice on the surface, but underneath are a secret bully. And you’re going to need to know how to deal with these people because you are going to encounter them.
In terms of a solution, I wish I had a cutesy answer to the one today. We’ll go ahead and call it “the lion response”, because many times, much like lions find themselves having to stand alone . . . now I know many times that they hunt in packs, but that’s not always the case.
There are times that they do have to stand alone. And in dealing with bullies you’re going to need to have courage, and you’re going to need to be able to stand alone. Much like that lion. So we’ll be talking about that.
As we talk about that I encourage you, put a picture of a lion on your wall or in your mind as we talk about this.
1. Be willing to stand alone. One of the things the bully is counting on is that you’re going to back down and not stand up alone.
Because part of their strategy is to cut you off from the herd and isolate you. They want you to feel alone.
Either physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Their tactics are about isolating you, making you feel like there’s no place you can go, there is no hope, there’s no help coming, nobody would want you, nobody loves you. All kinds of stuff like that.
The antidote to such isolation is not to go running for the herd. Because I know many times there’s safety in joining with other people, but you’re going to need to be willing to stand alone.
2. You are going to need to develop a strong support network. And by strong support network, it can be friends, it can be family members, it can be people that have gone through a similar situation to you.
It could be people at church, it could be some of your neighbors. But you will need a support network. Because after you stand up to the bully many times they come back with future attempts at making you feel isolated.
Your support network will keep you feeling connected and feel less isolated.
Some bullies want fast results, and in such cases standing up to them, afterward it may be all over. But there are another type of bully that are in it for the long term.
They seek long term isolation. They want you to stay that way for a long time.
If you’ve got one of those long term bullies the social support network is essential. You’re going to need a support network to make it through those type of bullies, because if they don’t isolate you today they’ll try tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next month. Try to catch you alone when no one’s around.
If you know that that’s their strategy you’re going to want to avoid those circumstances where you know you are going to be alone with the bully.
Only meet with them in public places, do not go out for dinner with them unless there’s people around. You want to avoid those situations where they are going to be in their element and have you feeling isolated.
3. Learn to say no. I know that that is difficult for some of you because you’re so used to saying yes, to giving in. There’s a big part of us that wants to be liked by everyone.
Who doesn’t want to be liked? And saying no means that the bully may not “like” you, they may not like something that you’re doing. You’re going to have to get past it because the bully doesn’t play fair. They’re counting on you to play fair so that they can exploit it.
You’ve got to be willing to say NO.
Another strategy of bullies, besides the tendency to isolate, besides using your niceness against you, is to start working to get you to compromise in little areas.
It’s almost like they conduct their seduction in a piecemeal fashion. They wear you down a little at a time, and you’re going to have to resist these little compromises.
It may start off with them using a lot of double language material. In other words, they use a lot of words that have double meanings, and they play these games where they switch the meanings on you, as a way to start wearing you down.
Then they may resort to making the dirty jokes, and then resort to making suggestive comments about you and them. After that they start encroaching on your physical space, wanting to touch you, maybe on your shoulder, maybe on your leg.
An innocuous spot at first that seems to be safe, and then they keep pushing and pushing the limits.
In terms of dealing with them, that’s why I say you’re going to have to say no and you’re going to have to resist these little compromises. The bully knows if they can’t get you right away they’ll wear you down.
They are attempting to intimidate you a little bit at a time, and you’re going to have to resist. Even those little bitty temptations like that.
I encourage you, go ahead, get comfortable saying no, resisting them. These are steps that you can take in terms of dealing with bullies and I encourage you to start putting these things in place right away. The sooner you do it the less power the bully’s going to have over you.
Dealing with bullies, I’m afraid to say, it’s probably going to be more and more a part of our daily lives. The better you can master these skills the better you will be able to function.
Here at Affair Recovery Radio one of our goals is to help you get through the affair situation one step at a time. You’ve got some tools here to get you through the bullying episodes.
Start putting those into practice.
You may have to practice saying no before you actually do it. And you may have to just at first say no in your mind and pull away before you say it out loud.
I understand that, because it’s not something that people are used to anymore. That’s why I say you may need to practice.
If you want more helpful ways of dealing with pressure from places like family members, I cover that in the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop“.
The workshop goes from taking care of yourself to dealing with family patterns and pressure regarding affairs. You can choose to no longer stay in the victim role.
Best Regards,
Jeff
