the A question recently directed at me is “Should I accept the lover?” When the cheater brings a lover into your life, it forces tough situations and choices on you.
These are not choices that you sought or wanted. They are forced on you against your will.
When any choice is forced on you, the natural first reaction is to ‘reject it’. At first, the rejection is a function of denial.
You either act like they don’t exist or deny the full impact of their presence. Once you face that they do exist, and that they are something that you have to deal with, the natural tendency is to de-humanize them.
You find some way of referring to them that is ‘beneath’ you. You view the lover as inferior.
You may find yourself objectifying them, referring to them as ‘body parts’ or referring to them in terms of the cheater (e.g. ‘your lover’, ‘your whore’, ‘your gigolo, etc.). It’s viewing the lover as a human being at this point.
Like the sight of a repulsive meal, you find yourself feeling sick to your stomach and experiencing gag reflexes in association with the lover. This is also a natural reaction.
You’ve been forced to accommodate a repulsive act and the person associated with it. Although you would rather puke them up and remove them from your life, they cling to your life with a stench that permeates your senses.
When the reality of them invading your life sets in, you’re faced with whether you should accept them along with the alternative of what should you not accept. Both the question and its alternative have to be dealt with at some level.
Since they do exists, you’ll have to accept that they are a part of your universe. You can not act like a five year old child, who closes their eyes and pretends that unpleasantries cease existing when you no longer see them.
They do exist. You have to accept that. What’s up for grabs is how much influence you will allow them to have over your life.
They’ll invade your personal space and your mental space. When you obsess about them, you’re allowing them to live in your head and heart. You can choose not to let them live in your head and heart.
Treating them with manners and decency sets the stage for some semblance of ‘rules’ and order. When you choose not to exercise manners and decency, dealing with them can descend into a social free-for-all.
Since free-for-alls are more stressful, you’ll want to contain them and put limits on them. Using manners and decency is a way to put some limitations on the situation.
The lover has already disregarded the boundaries of marriage, and law, so it is not beyond them to violate other boundaries. When you use manners and decency, they may not respond in kind, but it will give you some order in dealing with the chaos around you.
Given that some lovers act more like animals, they may view your animosity toward them as an attack. The animal level of reality is to attack anything that threatens you.
When the cheater is aligned with the lover, those animosities can turn their relationship into a ‘team’ where they unify in attacking you.
During an affair, you don’t want the cheater and the lover to ‘team up’ against you.
The next tough question is “How far to you accept them?” or “How much it too much?” The answer varies from situation to situation.
Since cheaters and their lovers view your manners or decency as “full acceptance”, they may encroach further. To prevent this, you will need to make your boundaries clear. Once they’re made clear, be prepared to be tested.
As to what those boundaries are, you need to make them clear (e.g. YOUR lover will not be allowed in our home or car, The lover will not be allowed around the children, etc.) . You’ll have to make it clear that you may be accepting that they are now forced into your you, but you don’t have to tolerate their actions.
What they are doing is wrong. What the cheater is doing is wrong. You are NOT accepting/tolerating/putting up with the cheating.
When you are not clear on this, they may take it that you are giving your permission for it. (Remember cheaters have a way of bending and distorting things in their mind).
I address ways of setting boundaries and creating an atmosphere that is less hostile in the downlodable “Affair Recovery Workshop“. Boundaries are an essential part of healthy communication. Communication is how you start solving problems.
The better communication you have with each other, the better the solutions the two of you will develop.
Best Regards,
Jeff
