Years ago, I was struck by a book entitled, “If you meet the Buddah on the road, kill him!” One of the ideas in the book, is that along life’s road, you’ll encounter people who position themselves as ‘experts’.
Many of these experts don’t have experience beyond what they’ve read in some books or what their professors told them. They have ‘opinions’ on many aspects of your life and will gladly tell you how to live your life, while they live completely opposite to what they tell you.
Consider how many of the recovery experts telling you ways of saving your marriage when they couldn’t keep affairs from ruining theirs.
The Buddah is a stark contrast to those with real life experiences. Not being able to tell the difference between wise men and Buddahs (or the kitchy term, gurus) will cost you greatly.
You need ways of knowing how to separate the wise men from the Buddahs. Buddahs are often fresh out of graduate school, or filled with general knowledge with little to no real life experience backing up what they tell you, or ‘they know a lot of people who…’.
You will find many types and sorts of Buddahs.
Buddahs often have large followings of groupies. Buddahs have learned that it’s easier developing groupies seeking what’s trendy than telling people the truth.
In recovering from your affair, you will encounter buddah’s in many places and many forms. They’ll tell you what to do, and give their thoughts on any aspect of life you share with them, even some you don’t.
Buddahs can be found in beer joints, where you work, your church and at family gatherings. They often give their insights and answers without grasping or sensing your pain and struggle.
They often talk down to you rather than talk with you. When they speak, it is as if they were on some lofty peak high above you rather than sharing the struggle with you.
Buddahs speak to your head, whereas the wise men speak to your heart or gut. You will know solid, gut-level truth when you hear it.
Gut level truths of wise men are genuine and solid. It is not some cheap knock-off that is shiny and flashy. Truth is often hard to take, whereas Buddah words are smooth.
Along the road to recovery, you will meet many kinds of people. Some are worth listening to, while others are not worth giving the time of day to. Learn to tell the difference between the wise men and the Buddahs.
Best Regards,
Jeff
P. S.-In my downloadable program “Affair Recovery Workshop” you’ll find solid answers and direction in dealing with your situation. You need solid answers with proven results.
6 Responses
Some wise advice. We have “experts” at every turn. I suspect if you pay them by the hour they will find ‘good reasons’ that you are not completely ‘healed’ as yet…but it seems there is seldom a way to determine when you have ‘arrived’!
It is interesting how on many of the forums of those hurt by adultery that people are often able to help by way of simply knowing that they have others who know their pain . Pain is still there but somehow it makes it easier to express your thoughts.
Sadly even this can be destructive if one does not realize that many in pain will only offer some kind of retributive ‘solution’ and that is not helpful.
In my experience in trying to turn my lemons into lemonade I try to point people to the Lord simply because He is perfect and with that has the perfect solution to dealing with those who are hard headed and hardhearted …but it is not as according to our own desire or timeline.
I find that no matter how much we may love them , a person who is willing to lie, cheat and steal from their own wife and children is not going to change simply because we want them to or because it is the right thing to do.
They have lived so long by a warped idea of the truth and reality that they are simply incapable of relating to the pain they have caused.
My husband is a warm and friendly sort of guy …but is still capable of doing whatever he wants despite the pain it causes me and our family. He also does not connect the way presenting himself as unmarried from all appearances to others is a violation of THEM .
Thus one lesson I learned recently as I took a look at his high school directory where he listed himself and all his contact info …as well as our children’s names but nothing about his spouse….I have learned that people should be very cautious when reconnecting with old school chums…for it seems the nicest most innocent ones in appearance may be playing that for all it’s worth,
It is sinful to lead others to believe one is single when one is not .But he had no trouble lying to me and everyone else while keeping the OW on the side and having children with her.
I have to wonder now how many men who may appear to be good , available men are nothing of the kind.
At least he did not list the children of the OW on that directory….and my children has some comfort in that .
He continues to lie in how he lives, engages with others and we are simply HERE …a family without a face in terms of his life.
It is so shallow and difficult to watch…but then as I said .>>God is perfect…He is long-suffering not willing that any should perish …yet He is also just and these things will not go well for my husband if he does not repent …and stop lying and living a lie.
It certainly gives my daughters pause when considering if they will even marry …My husband does not even seem to be concerned about this effect upon them….if they don’t marry and have a family and end up alone in life he does not seem to even give it a thought.
But he is such a ‘nice’ man and so considerate and kind to others …I think he just doesn’t take responsibility of a husband and father as any big deal.
When I read my Bible it seems that the man , the husband and the father are a VERY BIG DEAL in how they effect others. The influence of a man is HUGE …and my husband thinks it is nothing for him to be concerned about ….as he goes out and make new , shallow relationships ….while missing out on what COULD be something really great for him and those who are in his jurisdiction in marriage and family.
Zaza
Thank you for your comments. Oftentimes hearing ” I know what you are going through” from someone who has been there is more therapeutic than other interventions.
The experts who find ‘good reasons’ you are not healed are plentiful as are ‘nice’ men and women who are only nice when it comes to congeniality, yet are irresponsible when it comes to family and taking on responsibility. Many people have been led astray by such ‘nice’ men and women. The world often views them based on their appearances and social skills rather than their relationship skills and maturity. Sadly, maturity is not a character trait that is valued in many areas of modern society.
You also mentioned the danger of old school chums. I prefer viewing them as ‘old flames’. Like the embers of a fire hidden under the ash of time, with a little bit of stoking and some fuel, those embers often flare up again.
On another site that is for women whose husbands have had a child by the OW …mostly by accident and then there is the sub SUB set of those like myself whose husband did so deliberately at the request of the OW …..The “old flame” syndrome is one that I think bares caution on the part of any spouse who is repentant…to keep themselves away from any contact with any old flame …having proven their lack of self governing …and to be transparent and have accountability.
That of course takes a sincere understanding of the pain caused by their lack of self control…and maturity in learning how to become accountable.
I think in my case my husband resents any accountability like a rebellious teenager. Contrary to proving maturity this attitude displays a disconnect from the reality of the damage they do . They refuse to take responsibility for their actions …something of a plague in today’s society …especially among those who rise in their field and career.
Instead of pride in their work with thanksgiving there is arrogance and pride in a non existent integrity.
Everyone who cares about them and who has been used by them is hurt and they just go on living life as if nothing has happened!
In my husband’s case …me and our children and all of the OW in his wake are just so much ‘rubble ‘ in the past and his distancing from me in his work and society leaves them with the impression I either died or he is divorced…which we aren’t ….
Lack of conscience or lack of responding to it is one of the things that keeps him feeling that there was little or no harm done.
When he engages with our daughters they don’t want to bring up what he has done and how it effects them ….my oldest who is in her 30’s now and unmarried , keeping herself for a godly young man [!] …said that it does no good to try to talk to him about how this effected her and her siblings because he simply changes the subject or redirects.
So they see him through a clear lens and he doesn’t seem to accept that they are harmed because they do not speak to him of it …so as he excused himself in the past …he thinks everything is ‘OK” and we are all ‘happy’!
Must be nice living in a bubble …
Zaza
Thank you again for sharing. The whole sub-sub topic of cheaters intentionally having children with the OW is a whole different level of HURT and rejection.
They (the cheaters) often do live in their own bubble. Their attachments and ability to love are ‘all messed up’. The bubble they surround themselves with often serves as a type of family substitute for them. If they do good in their bubble, they view themselves as ‘a good person’ based on their performance or the opinion of peers. The more they are in the bubble, the less they are in the family. The best analogy is a trapeze act. They always have to be grabbing hold of one of the trapeze bars while letting go of the other. They often take the ‘moving on cliche to new levels. In my own mind, I suspect similarities between those in serial marriages and this kind of mindset, but I have not worked with enough of these specific cases to know for sure. As long as the audience in their bubble world is happy, that is all they care about. (Keep in mind that it is not by accident that ‘happy’, happiness and happening share the same root. They often surround themselves with ‘happenings’ partly for distraction and partly for entertainment, but all for a twisted kind of happiness. This is how they can act like nothing has happened, since they have moved on, it is assumed by them that everyone else has moved on as well). In terms of Scripture, there are references to how the love of many will grow cold. These are good examples of those whose capacity to love grows cold.
I hate that you and your children have had to endure such a situation. It is tragic.
Thank you for your comments Jeff…..Sometimes it is just good to know that SOMEONE knows about this and offers some sense of clarity….it is somewhat ‘crazy making’ when you have no one in your realm of family that knows what is going on …I have not been the one to out him to his family and friends….my own brother and his wife know but I feel it is counterproductive to expose his life to his side of the family …Since he began his adultery there has been little or no contact with them anyway ….so my doing anything might not be viewed with any kind of credence even though as a believer it should.His family sort of view my faith as “quirky’ I think.
Anyway right now I am dealing with a cold ‘on steroids’ ….had flu shot but wow ….I haven’t had anything this vile in …maybe over 30 years….guess it’s my ‘turn’ ….makes me think of others in worse state of health and pray they don’t suffer so.
Still…argh…don’t mind saying …I wanna “WHINE” a little….no A LOT…..
Stay healthy my friend!
Zaza,
I wish you and the other readers good health. It can be miserable having a cold. It is also miserable having to keep secrets inside with no one to turn to. Keeping the secrets often multiplies the isolation and loneliness, making them worse than they have to be.
Get Well Soon!