How much of the pain that you are experiencing is truly yours? You may have never considered that some of the pain which you are holding onto is not yours to handle. My experience is that the pain in a marriage functions like a see-saw. It goes up and down. As the pain goes up and down, the burden shifts from one spouse to the other. Typically when the cheater is caught, they feel a relief. At that point, the burden of pain shifts. Now the loyal spouse has the burden of pain to contend with. Along with your own pain, you often taken on the pain of your spouse. This can be done in many ways. One of the common ones is blaming yourself for the affair. Blaming yourself does not fix things, or improve your marriage. It gives you someone to put the blame on. The reality that blaming isn’t solving has not sunk in yet. Blaming gives you a target for your anger and rage, but it does not get you closer to your spouse.
When you quit blaming and choose to start letting go of the pain, the see-saw will shift back to the other position. When it shifts, the types of conflicts change. The see-saw can go on for a long time.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
