As you know secrecy and affairs go hand in hand. In some families, the secrets become leverage. Like and Agatha Christie novel, the whole family knows about the affair, yet there is an unwritten contract of silence when it comes to mentioning the affair or the issues related to it. Although the cheater often thinks that because the affair is not brought up that everything is settled or addressed. This is a serious mistake. The cheater’s refusal to discuss the affair either directly or indirectly only serves to increase the tensions in the marriage. Each day they refuse discussing it, their marriage dies a little more. The contract of silence often leaves all the members of the family blaming themselves for the pain and emptiness they are going through. The often feel that it is their fault. Because the cheater is not hurting at that point, they are oblivious to the pain that they have brought on their own family.
Contracts can often hide things. In this case, behind the contract of silence, the pain of the affair worsens day after day. Like a cancerous growth, it continues getting bigger, yet as long as the cheater is not hurting or the affair is not being talked about, the cheater assumes that things are ‘fine’. Fine is one of those words that on the surface suggests that all is well, yet the reality is that they are barely holding it together. By describing things as “fine”, the cheater continues living in a la-la land, where their fantasy of how their marriage is becomes more real than what is actually there. Although the cheater brought destruction onto their family, they avoid facing this reality by either denying that they did anything wrong, blaming religion for making affairs unacceptable or refusing to discuss the affair. “No talkie-No pain” so to speak. They operate in a reality that if you don’t talk about it, it is not a problem. If it sounds crazy, it is because it is. When you try to make sense of it, do not be surprised if you are the one that is labelled as being “crazy”. The truth is that you are more in touch with reality than they are, it is reality that they want to deny exists. You are trying to stay sane is a crazy making situation.
The contract of silence like all contracts, is often enforced non-verbally. Harsh looks and gestures are used to communicate threats to those who may ‘violate’ the contract and actually mention the affair. When such contracts are in place, the question to consider is “who benefits from it?”. In some cases, the cheater benefits, it other cases, the loyal spouse benefits. The one who benefits the most is often the one who continues enforcing the ‘contract’. In some cases, the cheater “trains” you through their threats and rejection to be the enforcer of the ‘contract’ of silence. That is when things really get twisted in terms of communication, relationship dynamics, etc.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
