There are some therapists who make it a point of telling you “It’s not your fault!”
When it comes to affairs, my own experience is that you may have played a part and not realize what you have done. You may have given permission to the cheater for the affair and not even realize it.
As twisted as it sounds, some cheaters ask for permission from you BEFORE they have an affair.
They have found some backhanded ways of asking for permission.You may not have intended to giver permission, yet they turned what you said into permission.
It may have been during the heat of an argument, when out of frustration you told them to “find somebody who’ll put up with your stuff“. Although you meant it as a statement of frustration, to a cheater, you just gave them permission. In their mind, they now have a “hall pass” to have an affair.
Some cheaters may sneak in the topic of having an affair, by suggesting “trying new things” or “threesomes” or some other variation. This is often brought up during a pillow talk session and more than likely when you and they were filled with alcohol.
Although you may have said or agreed to something in the heat of passion, in their mind, you gave them ‘permission’ to try something new or expand their horizons.
Then there are the cheaters who use pornography as part of their seduction and foreplay. While your mind and attentions are on the pornography, they ask you questions or make comments about the porno. At the time, you may have meant your comment in response to the porno, yet to the cheater, your comment gives them permission to ‘act out’.
Bear in mind that the cheater does not play fair. Their mind wants to have an affair and often bends and twists what you say to where it appears as though you gave them permission. You may have said or did something that pulled the trigger for them.
When the cheater has ‘permission’ they proceed into an affair without the typical guilt that often prevents many potential cheaters from indulging themselves.
Probably the most backhanded of ploys is when you are having an affair with your vocation, job, profession or church. While you profess your love and dedication to your spouse, your actions indicate that other people and their needs always come before your spouse.
When this is brought to your attention, you may find yourself making excuses about how they ‘need you’, as if someone needing you is justification for you neglecting your spouse. In other words, you may be having an affair with the church, your job or your career.
Your being self-absorbed is what passively gives permission for the affair. What’s taking up your time may be a good cause, yet when it takes away from your marriage, it becomes evil and destructive.
The cheater sees that and takes action to take care of their ‘needs’. When the cheater talks about how the lover ‘needs them’ it puts you in a bind. Both of you have put the needs of others ahead of each other. In such cases, the neediness of others is permission to ‘do what it takes’ to take care of those needs.
The saying “It’s not your fault!” gets you off the hook for the affair. It releases you from the pain of emotional blame. In a similar manner, when you give permission to the cheater for an affair, they believe they are ‘off the hook’ as well. The affair may not be your fault, although you may have given permission without realizing it.
Regardless of who gave or took permission, when an affair happens, it’s going to require both of you in repairing your marriage. That’s where my “Affair Recovery Workshop” comes in.
The workshop provides you with ways of tackling those uncomfortable issues and restoring intimacy which you may have thought was gone for good.
Best Regards,
Jeff
