Have you ever considered what’s behind delaying taking action on the affair? This is a question that both the cheater and the betrayed have to wrestle with.
Each of you have delayed dealing with the affair. Each of you also had reasons for your delays.
Delays happen. Despite your best intentions, they occur. Some are due to accidents or illness, or not having the strength to take action. Such delays are understandable.
When delays happen, you’re unable to take action. Although there may be many reasons given for delays, most of them are counter-productive.
Delays add drama to any situation. Even in music, delays are a way of increasing tension and adding drama. The term ‘dramatic pause’ gives you an idea of the impact of delays.
Real life is the same. Those delays raise tensions. The delays make your situation more tense and filled with drama.
Although some delays are understandable, that doesn’t make them the right thing to do or the best course of action.
I use the term ‘counter-productive’ based on how you may have some noble sounding reason for the delay, yet the reality is that it is nothing more than old-fashioned procrastination. That old-fashioned ‘procrastination’ is nothing more than self-control issues in different wrapping.
Affairs are not issues that people jump out of bed in the morning and look forward to dealing with. Rarely does the cheater wake up thinking “I am so excited. Today I get to discuss my affair with my spouse.”
The cheater may get up in the morning and want to be in bed with the lover, but that same enthusiasm doesn’t apply to the ending backside of the affair. Imagine if the cheater were as enthusiastic about ‘discussing’ the affair as they were about getting into the affair.
If the cheater had the same enthusiasm for discussing the affair with you that they had for starting it, things would be radically different. The affair could have been resolved sooner.
If they had the same enthusiasm for ending as for starting the damned thing, it’d be over before the day was done.
It’s naturally human to put off or delay dealing with unpleasant matters, such as the affair. Few people look forward to conflicts, and emotional situations. The fantasy is that if you wait long enough, it’ll fix itself.
It’s a rare few who look forward to days filled with problems and potential problems.
Unless you are a masochist, you don’t desire jumping into something filled with discomfort and pain. Instead of dealing with what you need to, you instead opt for the soft, easy choices that delay pain. You forget that ‘soft, easy choices’ are part of what led to the affair in the first place.
In some cases, you and the cheater jointly put off dealing with the affair. By some unwritten mutual consent, each of you avoids dealing with this unpleasant issue.
This is a ‘conspiracy of silence’. This conspiracy also weakens your marriage. Although your motive may be one of avoiding pain, through avoiding, you’re allowing the pain to continue growing.
Each day you delay taking action regarding the affair is taking action. Each day you are either taking steps to improve your relationship of you are taking steps away from your marriage relationship.
Another way of looking at it is that each day you delay is a day where your feet voted in favor of the affair. Each action or inaction sends a message to your spouse and others about what’s important to you. When your marriage is as important as you claim, you do something.
You may be scared. You may be confused. You may be unsure of what to do. Each of these calls for different answers.
In the case of being scared, you are stuck in emotional matters. In the case of being confused, there are either mental or spiritual matters needing attention. In the case of being unsure, you are lacking the information that you need.
What I encourage you to do “take action”. Do something in the direction of dealing with the affair. Whether your action is praying about the situation, reading about it, or talking about it, at least you are taking some action in the right direction, which is better that inaction which becomes delay.
If you really want something to happen, take action today. Order the Affair Recovery Workshop, and start within minutes. Action is needed.
If for no other reason than to start the process of getting out of your passive mindset. Passivity is detrimental to your marriage.
Making the choice of ‘not right now’ means you want the affair to last a little longer. At some level, you are giving the green light to the cheater to continue what they’re doing.
Delay adds drama to the whole situation. Perhaps you like drama. You may need the drama more than you need your marriage healed.
What actions are you taking today to save your marriage and reduce the appeal of the affair OR allowing it to continue for another day, or week.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
In reading your articles about Avoiders, I am convinced my husband is a true avoider. I discovered the affair 4 months ago and he will not go to marriage counseling and allow me to deal with our problems at all. we are physically separated and I see him once a week to talk. I am stuck with his ambivalence having to deal with it all myself. What can I do? Individual counseling was not a help.
Roxi,
Thank you for leaving your comment. Four months is not much time for an avoider to make a turnaround. I am puzzled by your comment he will “no allow me to deal with our problems” . I am not sure what you are saying with that statement. Are you saying that you need his permission to work on things, are you saying that he is limiting what you say when you talk to him, or is there another message. If he is limiting you, there may be trust issues that need resolution.
Limiting your ability to address the issues may be his attempt at testing you in terms of respecting boundaries and limits.
Having a regular time to talk with him is a start. During this time, you will want to respect any boundaries and limits. The opportunity to address other issues will happen. Being four months in, there are still many raw feelings and issues on each of your parts.
Being stuck with his ambivalence is a sign that he has not given up. There are just mixed feelings. You said “individual counseling was not a help”. What does that mean? Were you using the counseling to cope with the affair, to make improvements in you, or something else. If you were using the individual counseling as a way to get him back, you will feel frustrated.
Consider what he tells you when the two of you talk. He may feel that you do not listen to him or respect his opinion. He may be giving you clues as to areas that would help you.