Many of you responded to my request for help about upcoming webinars and what topics that you are interested in regarding dealing with an affair. One of those items concerns when the cheaters heart is loyal to the lover or OW. There is a definite point when the cheaters heart shifts.
In dealing with the concern about the cheater’s heart, I refer to a phenomena known as “The Affair Tipping
Point”. The “Affair Tipping Point” is when the cheaters heart reaches critical mass and they move toward either you or the lover. This point is very real. You can also know when you are near the “Affair Tipping Point”
In some cases, the cheater reaches their tipping point prior to having the affair. In such cases, they have made their initial choice by choosing the affair. They will have a point of reconsidering matters after the emotional ride.
As the cheater goes through the affair, they are often on an emotional roller coaster. There are plenty of thrills and excitement. The thrills and excitement come from a combination of things. These include keeping secrets, engaging in dangerous activities, brinkmanship, and sexual excitement. All these activities combine to ‘turn on the cheater’s brain”.
When the cheater’s brain is turned ‘on’, it feels alive. The brain just knows it is activated, and it likes it. It does not consider the moral aspects (those matters are left to the soul to deal with). When the brain is feeling alive, it seeks ways of continuing in this state. The brain may even begin manufacturing ways to stay in this activated state. These ways may include engaging in extreme behaviors, becoming more secretive or starting conflicts so that they can stay stimulated.
Keep in mind that when the brain wants to stay stimulated, it is not considering whether what actions it is considering is right or wrong. Their brain is instead looking for what will continue the ‘high’. At this point, it is about continuing the ride, rather than doing right.
If you try talking with the cheater during such times, it will be an exercise in frustration. They may purposely antagonize you so that they can stay ‘high’. They are often caught up in the fantasies and excitement of what is happening in their lives. Some of their excitement is based on facts, although much is based on fantasies.
While the cheater is ‘on the ride’, it may seem that their heart belongs to the lover. It could be that they are more turned on by the ride than by the lover when they are ‘on the ride’. It is important that you do not confuse their being in love with love with them being in love with the lover.
It is after this ‘wild ride’ that they finally slow down and the ride stops. Here, they are at the ‘tipping point’. It is at this juncture they decide whether to ‘go around again’ on the affair ride or decide to get off the roller coaster. It is here that they make choices. It is here that they may re-consider their relationship with you.
They consider who they prefer. The lover has excitement and thrills in their favor. You have to consider what you have in your favor and use it to keep them committed to you. It is here where choices are made in their will. Although it would be more romantic to say that their heart chooses which direction to go, my experience is that the will makes that choice, and heart merely follows. They also consider which relationship better meets their needs.
Not only are choices made, the researcher, John Gottman studied this tipping point. When the ratio of negative interactions to positive reaches a 5:1 ratio or above, a person opts out of the relationship. This may mean action is needed to turn your relationship around. If your marriage has way more negative interactions than positive ones, you will stand to loose when they reach the Affair Tipping Point.
When the cheater reaches the tipping point, they consider many items, including what they have in each relationship. It is here they consider what you have to offer and what the lover offers. They not only consider the offer, they also consider the fantasy enhanced version of each.
If you believe your marriage has hope and is not at the ‘tipping point’ and the numbers are in your favor, you will want the Affair Recovery Worskhop working for you. The communication and intimacy building techniques will work at getting the numbers in your favor.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
