A reader wanted me to address the issue of “Marriage versus Electronics”. On considering this issue, it became apparent that this area of ‘Marriage versus Electronics’ is ‘the new affair stage’. You may wonder “How can that be?” Read on and I will explain this to you.
The phrase “Marriage versus Electronics” in some ways is another way of expressing the issue of ‘intimacy verses outimacy’. In the marriage relationship, you are dealing with the challenge of how two can become one along with ways of working together on common goals. With electronics, you have a new electronic stage that competes for focus and attention. With electronics, each spouse goes off into their own separate world, hence the term ‘outimacy’.
The tension in the struggle between intimacy and outimacy is challenging enough without electronics. There is often a tension Whether you like them or not, they are a force whose impact has to be taken into consideration. They do impact your marriage. The amount of that impact will be up to you and your spouse. This is why I have a special module on intimacy as part of the Affair Recovery Workshop where I go into greater depth on the intimacy issue and ways of attaining it.
Electronics are wonderful tools, yet the downside is that they encourage you to indulge in your own mental world without your spouse. Many electronic devises and games take attention away from each other. By taking the focus off each other, the stage is set for an affair of one sorts or another.
Once your attention is off your spouse, it can be redirected to something or someone else. This is my reason for saying that electronics are the ‘new affair stage’. A stage is where plays are performed. The electronics also provide a stage where an affair drama is performed as well.
In some cases, the affair drama is limited to just stealing attention and diminishing intimacy. By merely stealing attention, there is less attention available to your spouse. As you become more dependent on electronics, you look to them to give you direction, suggestions and to become your delight. When your electronics become a greater delight than your spouse, there are intimacy issues.
Consider the question, “Who do you spend more late nights interacting with, your electronics or your spouse?” Those handy electronics may be threatening your marriage in ways you never intended. You may say, “but I am not using it to cheat?” It is true you may not be having a physical affair using your electronics, but are they taking time away from your spouse. Are you giving your electronics more attention than your spouse?
One of the problems with the electronics is that they give you immediate responses. They react to your touch and direction. Their responsiveness creates a dynamic where you and the electronic may bond with each other. You start looking to your electronic device to accompany you wherever you go.
Although the electronic device is a help, over time, its responsiveness modifies your neural connections. Your brain gets connected to your electronics. Your brain starts to feel alive when connected with your devices. When this happens, there is a potential for addiction. When you are addicted to your electronics, you are not emotionally or physically available for your spouse. There are already clear cases of addiction to social media and addiction to smartphones.
With those addictions, you always have a spouse who is suffering as a result of those addictions. If there is an addiction to the electronics, that problem will need to be dealt with so that you can take steps to improve the intimacy in your marriage. Working on intimacy always pays dividends. It takes longer for responsiveness to happen and develop. It is not as instantaneous as electronics, but it is MORE rewarding.
With electronics posing such a threat, as a couple the two of you may need to have some guidelines about their usage. In my own home, come the weekend, the computers are shut down until Monday morning. You and your spouse may need some guidelines in order to keep your electronics tamed. Think of these guidelines as protective boundaries of the intimacy in your marriage.
When you view guidelines as protective boundaries, they will be easier to accept than considering them restrictions on the electronics. If you approach this issue as restrictions on the electronics, you may see the ‘inner child’ of your spouse come out as you put limits on their ‘playtime’. The reaction of the inner child may include temper tantrums and fits.
The danger of electronics is not totally new. It was dealt with as couples negotiated ways of dealing with television. Some couples have even invited television into their bedrooms. The struggle with televisions in terms of marriage versus television raged in the 20th century.
With the advances in electronics, especially computers and smartphones, the old struggle of marriage versus electronics has new dimensions to deal with. You have to find ways of using them and not allowing them to take over your life or your marriage. These devices not only steal away attention and focus, they also make access to affairs and porn much easier. It is as if these handy gadgets are also the flood gates to greater dangers.
The potential access to the greater danger flood gates of affairs and porn is another reason, I consider electronics the ‘affair stage’. The electronics stimulate and allow the user to access information and images that make affairs easier. They may be very self-controlled, yet with electronics in their hand, a dormant risk suddenly becomes a flaming temptation. The electronics often allow them to act out darker parts of their imagination.
In previous generations, the threat of affairs was often limited by access to cash and awareness of where to pick up playmates. With electronics, users are not as limited as they once were. They no longer need money or knowledge of where the pick-up spots are. Their smartphones or computers make it possible for those they use to seek out to come to them. They no longer have to go on the prowl. With electronics, all they have to do is let others know that they are willing to be preyed upon and it will come to them.
So electronics pose three kinds of threats. 1) They threaten to steal time and attention, 2) they have an addiction potential and 3) they also are conduits to greater threats. You need to be aware of each of these three threats and consider ways of dealing with each of them.
This also means that use of the smartphones and social media are issues that you will have to address in considering reducing risks of affairs but also in affair relapse issues as well. Your ‘Affair Relapse Plan’ will need this. In previous generations, ATM’s were a matter of concern. With smartphones, you have a new threat to consider. It is no longer a matter of being tempted by cash or money burning a hole in your pocket as you crave action. In this generation, action is as near as your nearest smartphone.
It is doubtful that electronics are going away anytime soon. For that reason, one of the challenges of marriage in the 21st century is deciding what role you allow electronics to have in your marriage.
Rather than squabbling with your spouse over turf battles related to electronics, you can instead be taking steps toward improving intimacy. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, you will see how to use my unique SPRIG principle improves intimacy in your marriage. Saving the intimacy in your marriage always pays BIG dividends.
You do not have to dread those times that the two of you are living in separate worlds. You can instead enjoy each other once again.
You can enjoy the closeness you want with your spouse rather than competing with electronics for their attention. An affair does not have to mean the end of your marriage, even if it is an affair with electronics.
This means you have to realize that your phone is not an extension of you, it is a phone. You also have to decide on what the time and place for electronics in your marriage are.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
