When the cheater is in the ‘affair fog’ or their “I’m going to cheat come hell or high water” mindset, talking tothem is an exercise in frustration. When they are in either of those mindsets, they are not being rational, even though they think they are.
In all likelihood, they have worked out your possible responses in their head and they have what amounts to pre-recorded tapes they play on demand. Attempting engagement when they are like this is akin to arguing with an automated phone system. You hear the words, yet wonder if there is a real person that you can talk to.
When the cheater is like this, you need a different approach. You need to engage them as a person before trying to discuss matter of the heart with them.
The best way to engage the cheater often depends on what part of them you are trying to reach. A message prepared in your head, will reach their head, one prepared in your heart will reach their heart and one prepared in your life will reach their life. The challenge for you then is knowing how to prepare the right message.
Although you are frustrated with their response, it could be that you are preparing your message in your head and they are heading you off at the pass. Remember that unless they have mental problems, their choice to have an affair was based on some kind of logic. Their logic may be a twisted logic, but it was logical in their mind.
When people use logic, even twisted logic to justify their affair, they have selectively ignored many issues. They have also likely downplayed some significant issues and played up your faults. When you come across this dilemma, you may have to consider using open ended questions designed to get them to consider what they had ignored.
You will want to be on the lookout for windows of opportunity. By windows of opportunity, you want to find those times when they are capable of being open without defensiveness. The challenge there is that you want those times to line up with when you are not being defensive either.
One of the oddities about couples arguing with each other is what I call ‘the mirror effect’. The mirror effect is when one spouse uses the same techniques on the other spouse. The two of you may be using the same tactics with each other. It is a huge case of getting a taste of your own medicine for both of you. When this happens, both spouses feel frustrated. They both feel blocked. This is natural, since the two of you did block each other.
A strategy to counter this is using the “it’s better to be understood than agreed with” approach. When you expect to be agreed with, you are wanting to win. When each of you is going for the win, each of you will instinctively block the other, leaving both of you feeling frustrated. When you strive to be understood, it changes the dynamics. By taking the ‘win’ mentality out, there are new options opened.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
