Although it sounds simple, listening to others isn’t easy. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. There are hints and clues about what’s really going on in the choice of words used in their questions and statements.
I’ve learned that there’s often a difference between what they are asking and what I think they’re asking.
I’ve learned the importance of subtle little word choices. One reader asked, “How do I deal with an unloving partner?”
The first thing that strikes me is using the word partner rather than ‘spouse’. Their choice of words indicates that their relationship is not a committed one. The word ‘unloving’ is also telling. It’s a negative word that indicates they are not feeling loved.
The second thing I notice is the question itself. It’s not, “How do I make my partner love me?” which would indicate they think the problem is with them. It’s not “How can I love my partner?”. It’s, “How do I deal with an unloving partner?” They are looking for what they can do in changing the situation.
Since commitment is required for a loving marriage, addressing that area of concern is a good place to start. Rather than considering how to handle them not loving you, it’s more essential addressing the lack of commitment.
There could very well be a hesitancy to love when there’s a hesitancy to commit.
The reader also wants to know how to ‘deal’ with them. This puzzles me. Are they wanting to know how to love them back, handle their disappointment or find a way through the emotional ups and downs?
The word ‘deal’ has such a negative connotation. It’s almost as if they are putting up with them rather than wanting to find a way to love them. If you’re in a relationship where there is little commitment and you’re feeling unloved, it may be time to move on.
When I hear the word ‘deal’ I think of buying a car. You make deals at a dealership. Making deals is akin to horse trading. It’s a word associated with emotional distance and horse trading.
You don’t ‘deal’ with someone you love. Instead, you find ways of working with them or connecting with them. In using the word deal, they revealed that their playing games in their relationship rather than really wanting to work things out.
If you’re missing out on the subtle messages your spouse is telling you, it’s an indication that your communication needs improving. You may be answering questions and discussing what you think you hear rather than hearing what they are asking.
When you’re not connecting and communicating well, the risk of infidelity increases. If you’re not listening, they’ll find someone who will.
They’ll find someone who ‘gets them’ rather than someone who limits their responses to short answers along with only answering the questions you prefer addressing.
It could be that what you think is ‘unloving’ isn’t about loving at all. It could be about not listening and tuning into them. One way of showing them you love them is by really listening to what they are telling you.
If you’re missing them more than getting them, or they miss you, it’s time for improving the communication in your relationship.
In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”, I show you ways of connecting with each other so that each of you feel heard. You’ll also discover ways of getting your message across without screaming or threatening them.
Instead of drifting apart, take steps that improve your ability of working together.
Click and download today so that your marriage can be at its best.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
